All Roads Lead to Calvary [91]
I do now that he doesn't want me. I shall always feel that I am in his way. And Hilda," she added after a pause, "she will hate me."
Joan looked at the white patient face and was silent. What would be the use of senseless contradiction. The woman knew. It would only seem an added stab of mockery. She knelt beside the bed, and took the thin hands in hers.
"I think God must want you very badly," she said, "or He wouldn't have laid so heavy a cross upon you. You will come?"
The woman did not answer in words. The big tears were rolling down her cheeks. There was no paint to mingle with and mar them. She drew the little metal box from under the pillow and gave it into Joan's hands.
Joan crept out softly from the room.
The nurse was standing by the window. She turned sharply on Joan's entrance. Joan slipped the box into her hands.
The nurse raised the lid. "What a fool I've been," she said. "I never thought of that."
She held out a large strong hand and gave Joan a longish grip. "You're right," she said, "we must get her out of this house at once. Forgive me."
Phillips had been called up north and wired that he would not be able to get down till the Wednesday evening. Joan met him at the station.
"She won't be expecting you, just yet," she explained. "We might have a little walk."
She waited till they had reached a quiet road leading to the hills.
"You will find her changed," she said. "Mentally, I mean. Though she will try not to show it. She was dying for your sake--to set you free. Hilda seems to have had a talk with her and to have spared her no part of the truth. Her great love for you made the sacrifice possible and even welcome. It was the one gift she had in her hands. She was giving it gladly, proudly. So far as she was concerned, it would have been kinder to let her make an end of it. But during the last few days I have come to the conclusion there is a law within us that we may not argue with. She is coming back to life, knowing you no longer want her, that she is only in the way. Perhaps you may be able to think of something to say or do that will lessen her martyrdom. I can't."
They had paused where a group of trees threw a blot of shadow across the moonlit road.
"You mean she was killing herself?" he asked.
"Quite cleverly. So as to avoid all danger of after discovery: that might have hurt us," she answered.
They walked in silence, and coming to a road that led back into the town, he turned down it. She had the feeling she was following him without his knowing it. A cab was standing outside the gate of a house, having just discharged its fare. He seemed to have suddenly recollected her.
"Do you mind?" he said. "We shall get there so much quicker."
"You go," she said. "I'll stroll on quietly."
"You're sure?" he said.
"I would rather," she answered.
It struck her that he was relieved. He gave the man the address, speaking hurriedly, and jumped in.
She had gone on. She heard the closing of the door behind her, and the next moment the cab passed her.
She did not see him again that night. They met in the morning at breakfast. A curious strangeness to each other seemed to have grown up between them, as if they had known one another long ago, and had half forgotten. When they had finished she rose to leave; but he asked her to stop, and, after the table had been cleared, he walked up and down the room, while she sat sideways on the window seat from where she could watch the little ships moving to and fro across the horizon, like painted figures in a show.
"I had a long talk with Nan last night," he said. "And, trying to explain it to her, I came a little nearer to understanding it myself. My love for you would have been strong enough to ruin both of us. I see that now. It would have dominated every other thought in me. It would have swallowed up my dreams. It would have been blind, unscrupulous. Married to you, I should have aimed only at success. It would not have been your fault. You would not have known.
Joan looked at the white patient face and was silent. What would be the use of senseless contradiction. The woman knew. It would only seem an added stab of mockery. She knelt beside the bed, and took the thin hands in hers.
"I think God must want you very badly," she said, "or He wouldn't have laid so heavy a cross upon you. You will come?"
The woman did not answer in words. The big tears were rolling down her cheeks. There was no paint to mingle with and mar them. She drew the little metal box from under the pillow and gave it into Joan's hands.
Joan crept out softly from the room.
The nurse was standing by the window. She turned sharply on Joan's entrance. Joan slipped the box into her hands.
The nurse raised the lid. "What a fool I've been," she said. "I never thought of that."
She held out a large strong hand and gave Joan a longish grip. "You're right," she said, "we must get her out of this house at once. Forgive me."
Phillips had been called up north and wired that he would not be able to get down till the Wednesday evening. Joan met him at the station.
"She won't be expecting you, just yet," she explained. "We might have a little walk."
She waited till they had reached a quiet road leading to the hills.
"You will find her changed," she said. "Mentally, I mean. Though she will try not to show it. She was dying for your sake--to set you free. Hilda seems to have had a talk with her and to have spared her no part of the truth. Her great love for you made the sacrifice possible and even welcome. It was the one gift she had in her hands. She was giving it gladly, proudly. So far as she was concerned, it would have been kinder to let her make an end of it. But during the last few days I have come to the conclusion there is a law within us that we may not argue with. She is coming back to life, knowing you no longer want her, that she is only in the way. Perhaps you may be able to think of something to say or do that will lessen her martyrdom. I can't."
They had paused where a group of trees threw a blot of shadow across the moonlit road.
"You mean she was killing herself?" he asked.
"Quite cleverly. So as to avoid all danger of after discovery: that might have hurt us," she answered.
They walked in silence, and coming to a road that led back into the town, he turned down it. She had the feeling she was following him without his knowing it. A cab was standing outside the gate of a house, having just discharged its fare. He seemed to have suddenly recollected her.
"Do you mind?" he said. "We shall get there so much quicker."
"You go," she said. "I'll stroll on quietly."
"You're sure?" he said.
"I would rather," she answered.
It struck her that he was relieved. He gave the man the address, speaking hurriedly, and jumped in.
She had gone on. She heard the closing of the door behind her, and the next moment the cab passed her.
She did not see him again that night. They met in the morning at breakfast. A curious strangeness to each other seemed to have grown up between them, as if they had known one another long ago, and had half forgotten. When they had finished she rose to leave; but he asked her to stop, and, after the table had been cleared, he walked up and down the room, while she sat sideways on the window seat from where she could watch the little ships moving to and fro across the horizon, like painted figures in a show.
"I had a long talk with Nan last night," he said. "And, trying to explain it to her, I came a little nearer to understanding it myself. My love for you would have been strong enough to ruin both of us. I see that now. It would have dominated every other thought in me. It would have swallowed up my dreams. It would have been blind, unscrupulous. Married to you, I should have aimed only at success. It would not have been your fault. You would not have known.