All She Ever Wanted - Barbara Freethy [42]
Now the words sounded hollow, and memories of his own not-so-perfect behavior flashed through his brain. Hadn't he been just as much to blame? Hadn't he ignored Emily? Hadn't he made bad choices, too?
It had been a lot easier to hate Natalie when she was a distant memory. Today he was having a hard time drumming up any dislike. He thought about all she'd accomplished in her life. She was a doctor. She'd put herself through years of school without help from anyone. He couldn't help thinking there were more things to admire about her than to hate.
Maybe he was being sucked in by her beauty, her smile, her blue-blue eyes that made him want to keep looking at her. Maybe it was the tiny freckles that dusted her nose, her soft skin, her beautiful breasts that even now brought his gaze down to her chest.
"Stop looking at me," she told him. "It makes me uncomfortable."
"It makes me uncomfortable, too." He saw by the flare in her eyes that she understood his meaning.
"Let's talk about something else," she suggested.
"Like what?" He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. "What's on your mind?"
"Tell me about your job. I know you run the paper with your dad. Did you ever do the foreign correspondent thing you talked so much about?"
He stiffened. "I couldn't do that after Emily died."
"Why not?"
"My mother fell apart. She had a nervous breakdown. She couldn't get out of bed for about a year. My father had to spend all his time with her. There was no question that I would go to work at the paper, try to hold it together. My uncle is a business guy, not a news guy, and my other cousins are all younger than I am. I was the only one who could keep things afloat. So I gave up my plans and devoted myself to the paper."
"I'm sorry. I had no idea." She paused. "Why didn't you go later, when your parents were feeling better?"
It was a good question. He didn't have a good answer. "It was never the right time. There was always too much to do here at home."
"Do you have regrets?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"It's not too late—"
"It is too late. Some things aren't meant to happen."
"They can't happen if you don't try."
"I still have a duty to my family. Yes, things are better now, but I'm all they have left. I can't take off across the world, put myself in danger. My mother would go crazy worrying about me. Every time I see her she tells me how lucky she is that she still has me. She can't lose a son as well as a daughter. It would kill her. I'm stuck where I am."
"You're not stuck. You have choices."
"Look, it's different for you. You don't have anyone else to answer to."
"You're right." She leaned forward, her eyes dark with passion and purpose. "I don't have a crutch, Cole. I can't use my family as an excuse not to do what I want to do. I have only myself to blame for my failures and for my successes. There's no one else but me. I'm alone."
"I'm not using my family as an excuse or a crutch."
"I hope that's true, because Emily wouldn't have wanted you to give up your dreams because of her. She loved you too much. And she was a big believer in experiencing life to the fullest. She made me try things I never would have considered doing. She had a tremendous curiosity and joy for life. Emily made me believe that the world is a beautiful place and looking ahead is much better than looking backwards."
His gut twisted at her words. She was right. Emily would have told him to move on. She probably would have told him that years ago. She'd spent most of her life encouraging