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By Root 1160 0

are the scourge of society here, ostracized like the “untouchable” caste. When the police round up suspects for a crime, any crime, they go straight for the addicts, whether or not they were anywhere near the scene. Each of these men managed to clean up and was given a job. However, one in particular was so grateful for his recovery that after putting in a day at PSI, he would leave work and spend hours at the train station reaching out to addicts still in their lowlife using careers. Through his passionate example was born our IDU program. It is now the full-time and paid occupation of all four men, outreach workers who visit the addicts in the streets to exchange needles and syringes and provide counseling.

Sitting on mats in the PSI office with these men, hearing these powerful stories of lives turned around, is absolutely what keeps me going. Gentle, sweet souls, one and all—it was impossible to envision the craven, remorseless shadows they insisted they once were. Like so many of us, they know they cannot keep what they have without giving it away.

Except for some lethargy, probably caused by jet lag, I was feeling so very well and balanced on this trip. My first night, I almost skipped the daily inventory of my day, and I am very glad I did not. By keeping it in place, I provide my potentially turbulent days with stable bookends that ground me in familiar spiritual routines. Each morning I study recovery and spiritual readings and then spend thirty minutes in seated meditation (although admittedly some mornings I seem to spend more time checking how much time has gone by, than actually meditating), during which I slowly repeat internally deeply inspirational passages that embody my highest ideals. Sometimes it’s the Prayer of St. Francis, sometimes it’s the Serenity Prayer or the Imitation of Christ, the Twin Verses from the Damamapada, or the Great Spirit Prayer by Chief Yellow Lark. And each evening I review my conduct, knowing that to spot, admit, and correct mistakes is the essence of character building. I ask myself questions such as, When was I selfish, self-seeking, dishonest? Did I use all my tools today? Did I reach out when I needed to, sit quietly when that was best? Was I on time? Was I kind? Do I owe any amends? Did I allow myself to become hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Did I repeat the Holy Name, did I surrender, did I have expectations, did I let go of the outcome? How were my boundaries? These routines have brought me so far. They have helped me maintain my commitment to honesty and accountability and created changes in both my thinking and my behavior that I am enjoying.

Yesterday, for example, I began hearing a critical voice in my head: I am not doing enough, I need to do more, I have to do more, I need to work with more NGOs that complement PSI’s public health mission, I need to go see the prostitutes around the corner who hollered at me, go back to that one brothel where I held the schoolgirl but couldn’t talk because I was getting the “come on, Ashley” wink from Papa Jack, I need to pay for the kids’ educations. It was mental panic. Shortly, though, my recovery rose up to meet this insanity and call it what it was: selfishness and self-centeredness. I was able to hear all the “I, I, I, I, I” that my ego was shouting, and all the other words receded. To the untrained ear, it might have sounded like compassion and goodwill; to me, it was all about what “I” needed to do, which is “edging God out” (ego) in an attempt to stifle my powerful emotional responses to the things I had seen. I was able to remind myself that all that is asked of me is that I increase my conscious contact with the God of my understanding, ask for knowledge of Her will for me and the strength to carry that out. Have I done that as best I can today, understanding that my best fluctuates? Yes. Am I continuing to? Yes. Well then, I can stop abusing myself with perfectionism and trust that, as Father Merton wrote, “I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.” I am cleaning house, trusting God, doing