Almost Perfect - Brian Katcher [111]
I was folding clothes and hanging up posters. Jack sat on the top bunk kicking his feet. His bags still lay in a sloppy pile in the middle of the floor.
“Are you through, already? We’ve been here for, like, twenty hours and haven’t met any girls.” He jumped down from the bed and began to pace. I wondered if agreeing to live with the human Super Ball had been such a bright idea.
“Laura said she’d come by later.”
I stopped to adjust the sputtering window AC. Through the upper pane, I had a narrow view of campus. I could easily see the University Hospital grounds. A dozen or so smokers in scrubs lingered not too far from my dorm. Orderlies and nurses, forced into exile by the hospital’s strict tobacco-free policy.
It had been over five months since Tammi and I had driven Sage there to get her nose fixed and her ribs taped. That was the second-to-last time I’d seen her.
Jack was leaning over my shoulder. “C’mon, quit daydreaming. Let’s go do something.”
“You go ahead. I’ll wait for Laura.”
Jack took off, not even closing the door behind him. I lay on my bed for about twenty minutes after he left. I’d lied about Laura; she didn’t get off from work for another couple of hours. Eventually, I stood, went to my desk, and pulled out an envelope.
I’d found it in our mailbox about a week ago. The postman hadn’t delivered it; someone had placed it there. Even before I opened it and saw the familiar pink butterfly stationery, I knew it was from Sage.
Sitting down on my new chair, I reread the letter.
Dear Logan,
I promised myself I would never write you, at least not this soon. My plan was to leave town and cut you out of my life forever. But I can’t do that.
Logan, I wonder if you realize how much you changed my life. Before I knew you, I was so unsure of myself. I thought I was a fraud, a fake woman, a transvestite.
But then you came along. And you gave me hope. You treated me like a girl. A real girl. You made me believe I could do this.
Hope is cruel, Logan. When you start hoping, you think you can do anything. You made me think that maybe this could all be easy. That the one thing I thought I would never have—love with someone who fully accepted me—might be possible. Even after you dumped me, I wasn’t willing to give up. I had tasted what it felt like to be loved, and I wanted that feeling again. That was my mistake. Someone like me can’t let their guard down, even for a moment. That’s the cruel fact of it.
I wish I could join you at Mizzou. I wish I could still be your friend. Even when I was in the hospital, I kept having these crazy fantasies about going off to college with you. Going away on spring break to some beach, watching the sunset, holding hands with you in the waves. Even after everything that happened.
But it wouldn’t have worked for us, would it? I would have been found out again, or you would have worried that I would be. Maybe, if I was found out, you’d stand by me this time. I’d like to think you would. But it’s too much of a risk for both of us. I deserve someone who loves me the way I am. You deserve someone you can love without hesitation. We both came so close. But almost perfect isn’t the same as perfect, is it?
Logan, over the past half year, I’ve gotten to know you, probably better than you know yourself. And I’m sure you’re beating yourself up, thinking this is all your fault. But sometimes bad things happen, and there’s no blame to be placed. You didn’t always do the right thing, but you always tried.
I wouldn’t have lasted a month at that school if it hadn’t been for you. You were a friend when I didn’t have one. I don’t think you realized it, but sometimes the only reason I showed up in the morning was because I knew you’d be there. And even after things got rough, when no one would blame you for wanting to avoid me forever, you were determined to be my friend.
Maybe it was stupid for us to try to be