Almost Perfect - Brian Katcher [61]
Sage immediately started smirking. “Yes. We were.” She grinned. There was a piece of lettuce caught in her braces.
“About what?” I prodded, tossing around a little Hamburglar action figure.
“This and that,” she said, being deliberately vague. I waved my fingers, encouraging her to elaborate.
“She wanted to know where I bought my earrings. We talked about clothes for a while.”
I pounded on Hamburglar until his little head popped off. “Forgive me for being suspicious, but why would Brenda want to go up and talk to you?”
“Because she’s a little jealous.”
“Right.”
“I don’t mean jealous, jealous. It’s just that she’s so used to you liking her, she’s having a hard time accepting that you’re moving on.”
I nodded, smiling. “That makes no goddamn sense.”
“Allow me to demonstrate.” She picked up some of the McDonaldland toys. “Let’s say you’re Grimace, here.”
“Why do I have to be Grimace?”
“Fine, you can be Ronald McDonald. And Brenda is Grimace.” She began bouncing the purple figure up and down. “Hi, I’m Brenda,” she said in an insulting, whining voice. “Logan, I’m sick of how great you treat me. It’s over.”
Sage then jiggled Ronald and spoke in a mocking baritone. “Brenda, please don’t go! I love the way you treat me like garbage and ignore me! Let’s not kiss and make up!”
She picked up Brenda’s figurine. “Sorry, Logan, I just don’t want to date a handsome, funny guy. Ta-ta!” She tossed Grimace aside and picked up the headless Hamburglar.
“Hi, I’m Sage. I’m prettier and nicer than Brenda. Will you be my friend?”
I was biting my knuckle to keep from laughing. Sage continued, talking in a parody of my voice.
“I dunno, Sage. I’m not sure I like it when girls treat me like a human being. But let’s go see a movie.”
Sage retrieved Grimace and took on the parody of Brenda’s voice. “Hey, that’s my doormat there! What right do you have to tell him what a great guy he is?”
She returned to her own voice. “Hey, too late for you, toots! I mean, sure, Logan can be whiny and self-centered, but I think he’s special, so back off!” She picked up Grimace and shoved him headfirst into her salad dressing container. She then switched to my voice.
“Oh, thank you, Sage. I’m so lucky to have a friend as wonderful and sexy as you! Even though I spaz the hell out every time I realize how beautiful you are.”
I grabbed Hamburglar and imitated Sage’s voice. “Thanks, Logan! Maybe if I didn’t constantly need to be told that I’m pretty, things might be easier.”
Sage glared at me from across the table, then continued to make Ronald talk like me. “I’m Logan and I think I’m the only one who’s ever been dumped!”
“I’m Sage and I’m a big drama queen!”
“I’m Logan and I’m the only person who ever lived in a trailer!”
“I’m Sage and I’m afraid to go to Columbia by myself!”
We were shouting so loud that customers were staring.
“I’m Logan and I don’t know a good thing when I see it!”
“I’m Sage, and I don’t realize how special I am!”
We both grabbed for each other’s toy at the same time, then fake-slapped each other’s hands. Our table exploded in a flurry of plastic and protein. When the mess settled, we were glaring at each other, our fingers intertwined in a moment of hostile endearment. Then, with a burst of forced laugher, we let go. Neither of us made eye contact as we picked up our mess.
“Logan?” Sage said after a minute. “Um, when Brenda and I were talking earlier … I didn’t say that you and I were dating. But I didn’t tell her we weren’t, either. She probably thinks there’s something going on. I’m sorry, I just kind of wanted to rub her face in it. Let her know that you were gone forever.”
A few weeks earlier, I would have insisted that Sage call Brenda right then and tell her that there was nothing, nothing going on between us. Now I simply shrugged and squished Grimace farther into the pool of ranch dressing.
“Who cares what Brenda thinks? C’mon.” I stood. “I have to go call Laura and tell her I’m coming to Columbia, too.”
We didn’t speak as we walked