Almost Perfect - Brian Katcher [85]
The last feeble light sank below the horizon. Sage’s face was hidden in the gloom. “She’ll understand. She’s just worried that I’m deceiving you. If you let her know that my—condition—doesn’t bother you, then it won’t bother her, either. I can tell she’s an understanding girl. She won’t judge.” She smiled weakly, then frowned when I didn’t grin back.
Night fell. The only light source was the beacon on a faraway cell phone tower and the yellowish glow from the electronics factory parking lot two miles distant.
“Sage.” My voice was barely a hiss. “I can’t tell my sister I was willingly kissing a guy. She’ll think I’m queer.”
“A guy?” My eyes were adjusting to the darkness. I could see Sage standing there, arms folded. “Last night, when we were naked in bed together, I was all woman. But now that things are rough, I’m a guy again.”
“You know what I mean.” I’d been an ignorant sap, thinking that wishing and hoping could make Sage into a real girl. She was physically a boy, and it was time we stopped pretending.
“No, Logan, I don’t. You can’t just sleep with me, then bail on me because you think you’ll get a little embarrassed.”
“I’d be a lot more than a little embarrassed!” But I’d brought this on myself, hadn’t I? I was aware of the risks. I knew this could happen.
“And you think I wouldn’t be? You think I wanted anyone to know about this? Your sister wanted to be my friend, and now she thinks I’m not honest with you.” Sage’s voice lowered. “Laura’s a nice girl. And if you’re happy, then she’ll be happy. I promise that if you call her and tell her … no, you don’t even have to tell her. Just ask her not to bring it up again. She’ll get the message. She’ll never mention it.”
I stomped on the unkempt grass. Sage was right. Laura was just worried that I was being lied to. If she knew the truth, then she’d be satisfied. My sister was one of the most accepting people in the world. As long as I was happy, she’d treat Sage like a girl.
But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t admit to Laura that the sex of my girlfriend wasn’t important. I couldn’t live with the image of Laura alone in her dorm, thinking, So my big macho brother really likes guys, huh? I never would have guessed.
“I can’t do that.” It wasn’t a refusal, but an admission of weakness.
The wind began to pick up. In the dim light, I could see Sage’s hair whip around her face.
“So it’s over?”
How I wished I had Tim’s eloquence right then. I wanted to fall to the ground, to explain to Sage how I wished to God I could be her white knight, her prince. How I longed for the courage, the self-confidence, the backbone to tell Laura that I loved Sage and she never kept any secrets from me. But I couldn’t do that, didn’t she understand? I was only eighteen! She’d awoken feelings in me that I’d never thought I could experience, not in a million years, and now she expected me to tell the world. I needed beautiful, silvery words to show Sage that I just wasn’t strong enough to do what she was asking. I wasn’t brave enough. Wasn’t man enough.
But that was all a bunch of words. What Sage needed right now was action. She’d trusted me with her heart and given me her body. And I was running away.
“It’s over?” Sage repeated, yelling over the rising wind. “You sleep with me, then dump me the next day?”
I should have tried to make peace. Instead, I was deliberately hurtful, attempting to dull my pain by foisting it onto her. “Hey, I’m not the one who pulled my dick out at Mizzou!”
“Yes, you did. I was there.”
I hung my head, stung. Above us, clouds covered the stars.
“Logan, I know this isn’t what you want. I know you think Laura won’t understand, but she will.” The begging in Sage’s voice was distinct. “It hurts me that I can’t be a real woman for you, but I’m trying. That’s what you do when you care about someone. Can’t you do it for me? Can’t you sacrifice something for me?”
Sage attempted to touch my arm. I pulled away. If I allowed her to touch me, I wasn’t sure I could stand up to her. In the