Almost Perfect - Brian Katcher [98]
I hammered a chord with my fist. “I deserve it. This is my fault.”
Tammi’s voice took on an edge. “No one likes a martyr, Logan. You were a self-centered asshole, but you weren’t the one who knocked the shit out of my sister.” She paused. “I’m more to blame than you are.”
“Huh?”
Tammi swiveled on the riser until her back was to me. “I dunno. It’s just … Sage told me about her … girlish thoughts when I was about ten. But she was always feminine. I liked the idea of having a sister; she practically was one already. When she told me she was going to tell Mom and Dad, I said she should go for it. I was only eleven, but even then I knew they’d freak out. I should have warned her, told her to wait.”
“But you were just trying to be supportive.” Wasn’t she?
“Maybe. Or maybe I just wanted to watch the fireworks. You know how it is with sisters. When the other one is getting her ass chewed, you look like an angel.”
I shrugged. “That’s just the way it is.”
Tammi looked back at me for a second. “Logan, when things got rough—and believe me, things got real bad there for a while—I’d sometimes sit in my room, listening to them all scream at each other, and think, ‘I’m the good one. I’m the one who doesn’t cause problems. I’m the normal one.’ You have a sister, right? Did she ever really screw up, and things suddenly got better for you?”
I traced the dust on the piano with my finger. “A few years ago, Laura’s boyfriend got picked up for DUI. The cops drove her home in the middle of the night. She caught hell for that for a month. Yeah, I was the golden boy then. I hated to see her in trouble, but when I got a D in history, I didn’t even get grounded.”
Tammi was staring at the wall again. “That’s what I mean. I never wanted Sage to get hurt. But at the same time, my parents wouldn’t have let me date Rob if Sage had been a normal boy. It’s like, ‘At least Tammi likes boys. At least Tammi acts like she’s supposed to. Maybe Tammi’s only a freshman, but she’s doing normal things.’”
Tammi snorted, then fished in her purse for a tissue. “And now my big sister’s hurt, and maybe if I’d thought about her instead of me, this wouldn’t have happened. I should have told her to wait. I should have told her not to take those hormones. Maybe she’d still be safe.”
I stood up and joined her on the risers. She didn’t move away.
“Tammi, you remember how Sage once tried to hurt herself, right?”
She nodded.
“She wouldn’t have done that if being a woman was something she could forget about. I think she needed you to tell her that she wasn’t weird, that she didn’t need to be ashamed. Sage always talked about you. She said you were the only one who understood her. You can’t fake that. Stop blaming yourself. You were supportive when no one else was. Not even me. Especially not me.”
Tammi turned to me with a desperate look on her face. “I should have protected her.”
“You did. Hell, you didn’t give us a moment alone together when we first met.”
Tammi almost laughed. “I knew what you had in mind. I only let you two go out when she said you knew her secret.”
We both smiled, then stopped. The image of Sage bleeding in the bathroom jumped into my head, and probably Tammi’s as well. She stood up, not making eye contact.
“I’m telling everyone that Sage hurt her back in a car wreck, and that she’ll be in traction for the rest of the school year. Please don’t say otherwise.”
“Right.”
Tammi walked to the door, then stopped and turned. “Logan, I’ll talk to her, see if maybe she’ll give you a call. She’s mad at you, but I think she’s angrier at herself.”
I thanked her and she left the room.
chapter thirty-four
I LAY on our living room couch counting the cobwebs on the ceiling. My brain screamed for action. I should be doing something, something to make everything okay. But what? I needed someone