Alphabet Weekends - Elizabeth Noble [79]
‘Oh, I don’t know.’ Marianne pondered slowly. ‘You never really know, do you, what’s going on in someone else’s marriage? You only know what they tell you or what they show you. We’ve all got something to hide.’
‘What do you mean?’ Lucy was instantly terrified.
Marianne gazed at her, long and hard, as if she was considering something. Took another drink. ‘I had an affair.’
An explosion of relief took place in Lucy’s chest. Followed immediately by horror. ‘You did?’
Marianne nodded. ‘Yep. Yonks ago. Bit of a show-stopper, isn’t it?’
‘It is a bit. You don’t seem like the type. You two seem happy.’
‘We are. I’m not. I don’t really believe in people being “that type”. That’s a pretty adolescent view of the world, in my opinon. Adulthoood isn’t black and white – it’s a thousand shades of grey. Or taupe. It’s not who you are, it’s where you are. It was a long time ago. We were having a crap time. Bit of a cliché, really. We’d stopped making each other feel good, and I found someone who did. He wasn’t anyone Alec knew – for God’s sake, however desperate you are, you don’t shit where you eat, do you? He was a bit random, actually, someone I used to work with years ago. We met up again, got talking – I fancied him, he fancied me. We had what was without doubt, and still is, I regret to say, the very best sex of my life. For about six months. That was mostly what it was. I didn’t love him, and I’m damn sure he didn’t love me. But we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Chemical. Any time, any place, anywhere. I can’t believe the risks we took. I always… you know… had to have him.’ Lucy remembered the aeroplane loo.
This was excruciating to listen to. It would have been at the best of times, but now, it was torture. She couldn’t bring herself to ask Marianne anything, but it wasn’t necessary – her friend seemed lost in the rhythm of her memory.
‘And then… we stopped. I stopped it, as it goes, although it was only a matter of time before he did.’
An unspoken why.
Marianne shrugged. ‘It couldn’t go anywhere, could it? I wasn’t going to leave Alec for him. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it was like…’ she sounded as if she’d rehearsed this explanation in her head ‘… this flame, sort of thing. Magnesium, or something. It burned incredibly brightly, but only for a while.’ She smiled. ‘And then I came back to my well-bedded coal fire, I suppose.’
‘Did Alec know?’
‘God, no. Christ. We took risks, but not like that. He didn’t need to know. It wasn’t about him. It was about me. I did it and, all right, I’m not proud of it. For a long time after it stopped, a part of me wanted to tell him – I felt tainted by it. I seriously thought that maybe we couldn’t go on with it between us. We could, we did and we have. But I know our marriage is better because of it, if that makes any sense.’
It did and it didn’t.
‘And it was the two of us – we hadn’t got any kids. I couldn’t have risked hurting children.’
‘But hurting him?’
‘I didn’t.’
‘You sound a bit calculating about it.’
‘Do I?’ Marianne seemed surprised, but not offended. ‘I don’t mean to. I wasn’t. At the time, I mean. I was a mess inside.’
‘Do you think he could have forgiven you, if he’d found out?’
‘I don’t know. I thought about that a lot. And I still don’t know.’
‘Well, could you forgive him, if the tables were turned?’ What was she doing, for God’s sake? Asking for bloody permission?
‘That’s a good question.’ She thought about it. ‘No. Not now. I don’t think I could.’ She swirled her wine glass, watching the liquid come closer and closer to the rim. Then she looked at Lucy. ‘You think less of me, now, hey?’
Lucy smiled. ‘No I don’t.’
But she supposed that, really, she did.
M for Meeting New People
‘It’s a bold move,’ Serena had said.
‘Faint heart never won fair maid,’ Rob had chipped in.
‘Exactly. I think. I’ve got to shake this thing up a bit, haven’t I? I’m pretty