Always Dakota - Debbie Macomber [107]
“I’m…sorry,” she whispered.
“I know.” Bob knelt in front of her and took both her hands in his. “We need to talk about Axel.”
Immediately fresh tears threatened to spill down her pale cheeks. “No…I can’t…Oh, Bob, I don’t know what I’ll do without my boy.”
“We’re going to get through this, sweetheart. It’ll always hurt, but you and I are going to deal with this.”
Her smile was weak but present, and his heart filled with love for his wife. “Now, about Pastor Dawson.”
She glanced away, embarrassed.
“The judge’s decision had nothing to do with the minister. If you want to lay the blame at anyone’s feet, you don’t need to go any farther than this room.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sweetheart,” he said, leaning forward to gently brush the hair from her cheek. “We were the ones who screwed up our lives. Just try to put yourself in that judge’s shoes. He had two couples—maybe more—to choose from. All of us good people, each couple wanting Axel. He didn’t have anything to look at but the facts, written in black and white on a sheet of paper. Nothing that would prove to him how much we loved Axel. Nothing that would discount our mistakes. Before we got married, you told me there were things you’d done…”
Merrily squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head.
“I have my own list of sins, and it isn’t any shorter than yours. We both made errors over the years. The judge couldn’t ignore that.”
Merrily looked down and her hair fell forward. “I know, but no one will love Axel more than us.”
“No one,” Bob agreed.
“It seems so unfair when we’ve both worked so hard to be better people and…and we are, but—”
“We are better,” Bob said. “We’ve both grown, and part of that process is learning to accept responsibility for the past. The angry drifter who got arrested for possession of a controlled substance several years ago isn’t me. Not anymore. I’m a husband and a business owner, a member of the town council and the school board. But, unfortunately, I do have a past, and I have to accept the consequences of the life I once lived.”
Merrily studied him for a long moment, then nodded. “I do, too.” Sliding forward, she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. It was the most physical contact they’d had since Doug’s phone call.
“I’ve needed you,” Merrily told him, her voice trembling. “I’ve felt so alone.”
“I’ve needed you, too.”
“Then why did you stay away? Why didn’t you hold me when I wanted you so much?”
Bob buried his face in the curve of her neck. “I was afraid.” He could tell by the way her body tensed that she didn’t understand. “Afraid you’d vanish. Afraid I’d wake up and find you’d left me again. I was protecting myself.”
“But, Bob—”
“Every time you walk away, something dies inside of me,” he said, as he gently wiped the tears from her cheeks.
Merrily caught his hand and brought his fingers to her lips. “You’re right, you know, about accepting responsibility for my past. I played a role in the judge’s decision, too. You never said, but the caseworker learned about my little habit of running away, didn’t she? It couldn’t have looked good as a qualification for being Axel’s mother.”
“I don’t think they knew,” he lied, wanting to spare her.
“Hogwash,” she said, shaking her head. “The judge had to know. You say we have to take responsibility for ourselves. I’m doing that, so don’t try to make excuses for me. I did run away, but it won’t happen again.”
“You’re sure?” Bob hated how uncertain he sounded, but he needed her reassurance.
Merrily smiled and briefly kissed him. “Very sure. I learned my lesson the last time.”
She’d never spoken of where she’d gone or how she’d lived while they were apart. Not knowing had plagued Bob, filled him with doubts and gnawing questions, but he’d never press her for details. “Did someone hurt you?” he demanded, anger tightening his chest.
“No.” She was quick to correct him. “I realized I couldn’t leave you or Buffalo