American Outlaw - Jesse James [103]
Once, I’d loved Janine and the way that she made me feel. The chaos we created together was almost transcendent. But our vicious fighting made me feel outraged. I felt like I was going crazy. There was just no way that I could allow my children to be around her and still believe that I was actually being a good parent. I felt desperately guilty for what Jesse Jr. had seen, knowing that, even though I hadn’t intended for it to happen, I’d played a part in repeating the cycle of abuse that I’d grown up with.
She was pregnant with my baby. But Janine and I were never going to be partners. We were never again going to live under the same roof. It was time for me to face it, and to move on with my life.
“You’re actually not too bad at welding, I guess,” Rick said, with his hands on his hips, watching me work. “I mean, for a one-armed dude.”
“Light of heart,” I explained. Tentatively, I wiggled my healing arm around in its sling. “Been to hell and back.”
I’d returned to the shop bruised and bandaged, but with renewed optimism. What I really needed, I thought, was a week or so of hard labor to lift my spirits. Life would get back to normal soon enough if I just kept on wrenching, sweating, and cussing over broken gears, listening to heavy metal, and leading my team. As long as I could immerse myself in tools, dirt, and grease, I was going to be all right.
“Got any new chicks in the wings?”
I laughed, but with some difficulty. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked. “Dude, I’ll say it once, and you can quote me on this: I’m going to be a fifty-five-year-old bachelor. Bet on it.”
My assistant returned to my side, explaining to me that the show in Japan was still on for Thanksgiving, and would I be attending?
“Yeah,” I decided. “I’m gonna go. And I’m going to bring my daughter.”
I loved traveling, and my kids were getting to the age where they made the trips just that much more fun. Jesse Jr. was still a little too young to handle a long flight comfortably and then do a week in a strange country, but my nine-year-old daughter would be just fine. So I proposed the idea to her.
“Hey, Chandler, you want to taste the best sushi in the whole world?”
“What’s sushi?”
“It’s raw fish.”
“Yuck!” Chandler said. “I can’t eat that!”
“Okay, I’ll find you a hot dog,” I promised, laughing. “Don’t worry. Japan is gonna be a blast.”
I set about packing for the trip, really feeling lighter and happier than I had been in almost a year. When it came down to it, the most important thing in my life, no question about it, was being a dad. I couldn’t believe that I had almost endangered my children’s safety by allowing them to be around someone so unstable. My priorities had been jumbled. As I’d gotten caught up in the seductiveness of Janine’s high-wire drama, I’d nearly forgotten what mattered most in my life.
About one week before Chandler and I were set to fly to Japan, I made a quick stop after work to check in on Tyler, the young boy with leukemia.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been by in a while,” I said, when his mother answered the door. “How’s he doing?”
“Oh, Jesse,” she said, looking distraught. “It’s so nice of you to come by, but Tyler’s health has declined.”
From the tone of her voice and the look on her face, I realized how grave the situation was. “Can I see him?”
“No, I’m sorry,” Tyler’s mother said. “He’s so weak now. He’s sleeping. Could you come back another time?”
“Yes,” I said. “Although, my daughter and I are going away for a while, to Japan . . .”
Suddenly, I cut myself off, feeling guilty for having a daughter who had her health. Who could board a plane without any problem.
“Well, you just give us a call when you get back,” Tyler’s mother said, nodding woodenly. “I’ll be sure to tell him you stopped by.”
Chandler and I went to Japan as planned, both of us excited: her to