American Outlaw - Jesse James [130]
“Hi,” Sandy said, when she came in the door. She gave me a hesitant, forced smile. “So, what’s up?”
I looked at her, searching for the words to tell her. Nothing came out of my mouth.
“This woman’s full of it, right?” Sandy asked. “Do you want to get your lawyer on her?”
I didn’t say anything at all for a long second.
“Come into my office,” I said, finally.
Sandy came in and sat down on a chair. I closed the door after her and sat down myself. We stared at each other. And then, finally, I told her the truth.
I admitted the affair. I told her the hard details. I let her know that I had never loved this woman, that I had never cared for her at all.
Then Sandy asked me why had I done it. But I had no answer for her.
The feeling of shame and sadness that washed over me as Sandy began to cry was almost beyond measure. I’d never felt that in my body before. I watched her, and for a moment, I wanted to be dead.
I didn’t touch her. I sat frozen in my chair, watching, as Sandy’s small body shook with sobs.
There is nothing I can say right now to make this better, I thought. There is nothing I can do.
Instead of feeling freed from the guilt of having lied to my wife for months on end, all I felt inside was stunned and horrified.
Sandy rose to her feet. She unfolded her sunglasses and put them on her face.
She walked steadily and purposefully to the front of the shop, opened the heavy, metal door. For a moment, the sunlight enveloped her. The door closed behind her, and she was gone.
——
I sat, rooted behind my desk, for the better part of an hour, unsure of what to do.
Things were about to get really ugly. For a moment, I remembered being in Iraq, when we saw those dark, ominous dust clouds on the horizon. An awful storm was brewing. I could feel it.
For the remainder of the day, I stayed at the shop, sleepwalking like a zombie through my work, incapable of erasing the image of a weeping Sandy from my head.
At around seven in the evening, I threw on my coat and prepared to leave.
“See you tomorrow, Jesse!”
None of them got it. None of them understood that by tomorrow, everything would be changed. They would never see me the same way.
At home, I found the kids in the kitchen, hanging out and laughing with each other.
“Hey, Dad, can we order pizza tonight?” Jesse Jr. asked.
“Dad, if we do, this time can we not get sausage?” Chandler said. “It like, pollutes the other pizzas . . .”
“How does that even make sense?” Jesse Jr. said. “If you want to be a retarded vegetarian, fine, but it doesn’t mean we can’t have ONE pizza that has meat on it . . .”
“Guys, hold it for a second,” I said. “Where’s Sunny?”
“She’s in the living room, watching cartoons.”
“All right. Good,” I said. “Listen up. I have to talk to you two about something.” I think they saw from my tone that I was serious. “It’s . . . it’s about Sandy.”
“What is it, Dad?” Chandler said, coming nearer to me.
“She’s gone,” I said after a second. “She’s gone, and she’s not going to live here with us anymore.”
Both of my kids stared at me, uncomprehendingly. “What are you talking about?”
“Did something happen to her, Dad?” Jesse Jr. asked.
I cleared my throat. “Sandy is okay. I mean . . . she’s safe. That is, I think she’s safe, at least . . .” I let my voice trail off, confused.
A long moment of silence in the kitchen.
“Look,” I said, finally. “I grew up not knowing anything that went on between my parents. I never want to do that with you guys. So I’m going to tell you something private and difficult. And it’s going to hurt. But just listen to me.”
Both of them nodded. I stared at the refrigerator for a moment, finding it hard to look directly at them.
“I was . . . unfaithful to Sandy,” I said. Every word sounded strange in my mouth as I spoke. Like it was a speech I’d seen on TV that now had found its way into my mouth by chance. “I went outside our marriage. And now, well, she found out about it.”
“What did she say?” Chandler asked.
“She ran out of the shop this morning, crying,” I said. “I don’t