American Outlaw - Jesse James [92]
“I didn’t realize you needed me by your side every instant.”
“I don’t!” Janine said. “But for some reason, I thought you might want to watch your wife dance on stage. Are you ashamed of me, Jesse?”
I didn’t say anything. Instead I considered her question. Maybe I was ashamed. Part of me had been really into the fact that she’d been a porn star—it sure impressed the average guy on the street. But now I had to deal with the reality of the situation: having a porn star or a stripper for a wife meant the woman you shared a home with got naked in front of other people. And I wasn’t really sure I wanted that, to be honest.
“You’re a narcissist,” Janine said, shaking her head back and forth, furious. “If the spotlight’s not on you, then you can’t function.”
“Don’t be crazy,” I said, annoyed. “That’s not it at all.”
“Jesse!” Janine cried in frustration. “Why am I dealing with your bullshit right now?”
“Exactly,” I said, exasperated. “After all, isn’t this when you’re supposed to be giving lap dances to all the johns?”
Janine stared at me balefully. “How dare you.”
“You know what?” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t think I like strip clubs that much anymore. I’m out of here. You can take a taxi home.”
I withdrew three twenty-dollar bills from my wallet, and thrust them toward her.
“Keep your money,” Janine said quietly. A cool smile appeared on her face. “I’m about to go make my own.”
——
She came home very late that night, crawling quietly into bed. The next morning, clad in a conservative bathrobe, her hair pulled back, all traces of makeup gone from her face, she made me a big breakfast.
“I didn’t mean to get all upset at you, Jesse,” she said carefully, sausage frying in a heavy black skillet. “But I would have really appreciated it if you had come to watch me dance.”
“Well, honestly, I would have. I just didn’t know it was that important to you.”
“Just think about it!” Janine pleaded. “You’re good at so many things; I’m only good at one thing. Last night, that was my thing! Of course I want the most important person in my life to witness me doing it.”
“Man,” I said, feeling suddenly guilty. “I’m sorry. I guess I just didn’t see it that way at the time.”
“Well,” Janine said, sliding the sausages onto a plate and placing them before me. “It’s my fault, for not explaining it better to you.”
I got up and walked over to her. “Will you accept my apology?” I said, sheepishly.
Janine grinned. “Of course, silly.” She moved to embrace me. “You are such a sweetie, underneath all that guff.”
I held her happily for a moment, and kissed her on the side of her temple. “You know what?” I said, suddenly. “You and I should get ourselves a new place to live. A place where we can start over fresh.”
“Seriously?” Janine’s eyes opened wide. “Are you, like, kidding me?”
“Nope,” I said proudly. “Would you like that?”
“Oh, baby!” she cried, leaping into my arms, laughing joyously. “Let’s live by the beach! My whole life, I’ve always wanted to live by the ocean!”
“If that’s what you want,” I promised, “that’s where we’re going to live.”
Janine’s highs were so high, and her exuberance so contagious, that it wasn’t merely a figure of speech to say it made me happy to make her happy. Truly, I fed off of her lightheartedness. Her love for me felt like more than just an emotion she expressed. It was a form of sustenance.
Several months later, we went to see a gorgeous house on Seal Beach, about fifteen minutes from downtown Long Beach.
“Oh, I love it, Jesse,” Janine said, as we walked across the hardwood of the empty downstairs living room. “I absolutely love it.” She smiled at me, her eyes sparkling. “This could be a wonderful house for a family.”
“Yep. Jesse and Chandler will love it,” I agreed.
“That’s not exactly what I meant,” she said, smiling. “And you know it.”
That very day, we signed the papers to purchase the house, and we began to map out the next twenty years together. Flushed by the pleasure of the deal, Janine was expansive, detailing her long-held desire to raise a whole slew of kids, and perhaps someday live