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The slurring of words has a long tradition. Writing in the New Yorker in 1949, John Davenport said he coined the word Slurvian when he heard a person say she had just returned from a Yerpeen trip and had a nice time nittly.20 Late-night comic Steve Allen took the Slurvian dialect even further with his phunny phonics, such as widya (why did you?) and sokay (it’s all right). Such examples, however, are not pure Slurvian. To reach that rare status, a writer needs to make each slurred word another actual word, such as the following:

PURE SLURVIAN

We was at a bridge torment taking everything for granite with lots of other lays in gems when a woman in the mill of the big room yelled, “I think I’ve been robbed. Somebody call the please.” Just then, there was flashes of lining and strong wins. It was just like a whore story.

I asked to bar some snuff from the lady at are table who lives next store to us. She said know problem, then added, “Less calm down a bit . . . two many people have a deep-seeded fear of everything.” I greed with her.

Inspired by Richard Lederer’s Anguished English

At the same time, busy Americans like to add unnecessary words, thus increasing rather than decreasing their busyness. The little word at has become very popular as an additive to a question about somebody’s whereabouts. The question “Where are you?” brought 2.43 billion hits on Google, only slightly more than the 2.26 billion hits for the same question plus at. Leaving out the verb entirely, as in the common “Where you at?” yielded a respectable 1.86 billion responses.

Languagewise, this is where it’s @.

WHAT’S A SUBJUNCTIVE, GRAMPA?

It’s about time to say so long to subjunctives in almost every language. They are reminders of a much more ordered past when verbs denoting emotion, desire, or command required special care. Although the rules still require, for example, that you say, “If I were smarter, I would get better marks,” even some language sticklers now tolerate was for were. President Obama for one.

At least the nation’s top judge has endorsed the trend. Chief Justice John Roberts has taken a tentative stand against subjunctives, according to a news item in the Washington Post.21 The paper quoted him as saying, “I mean, if it was an easy case, we wouldn’t have it.” He showed additional linguistic tolerance by omitting the word had before the last it. But who’s watching? Or listening?

Thankfully, speakers of Amglish don’t need to worry about such things. They don’t bother with subjunctive or pronoun rules. They know there are not enough language police with the lung power to blow the whistle if such a rule is not followed. Indeed, some teachers may be willing to show you how to get around such problems. For example, instead of saying, “If I were you, I’d be quiet,” you could simply say, “Shut up.”

LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE TALKING

No book about American language would be complete without a section on the latest advances in finger lingo, otherwise known as gesturing—of course in the informal spirit of Amglish.

Although the gentle fist bump was used occasionally before 2008, it did not reach wide acceptance until Barack Obama used it during the campaign and to celebrate his election with his wife, Michelle, before the TV cameras and the vast crowd in Chicago. Since then, it has come close to replacing the high-five slap of open palms to celebrate any kind of victory.

Meanwhile, the thumbs-up signal has gained ground over an ordinary smile to mark even a small victory where there is nobody to bump fists with. Likewise, the thumbs-down sign is fast gaining ground as the second most favorite signal for disapproving of almost anything.

But nothing can replace the third finger for expressing extreme disapproval or contempt. Former White House aide Rahm Emanuel became the poster child for this digit when he apparently used it once too often and had the end cut off by accident. Most people now reserve the universally recognized