An Acquaintance with Darkness - Ann Rinaldi [12]
In a little while, she died.
She just stopped breathing in her sleep. It was very peaceful. And I was taken with the fact that she didn't have to do anything to die. It took no effort. That was the shock of it for me. Seeing someone die for the first time, it came to me: You don't have to do anything to die. You just have to stop doing all the things you've been doing all along. In Mama's case, this was not coughing anymore. Not breathing.
I saw it at the same time as Maude. "Mama!" I yelled.
But Maude took hold of my wrist. "It's all right, she's gone."
"All right? All right? How can it be all right? I never wanted to go and get that stupid newspaper. I knew the minute she found the war was over, she would die on me. But you had to have it, didn't you? You had to let her know!"
Maude went over to the bed and closed Mama's eyes. Then she came back and put her arms around me. I pushed her off. I flailed at her with my arms. I had to hit somebody, didn't I? Still, she held me. "Go ahead," she said, "hit me if you want to. It's all right."
I told her I didn't want to hit her. I wanted her to send for the reverend. She made me a cup of tea. I drank it, and then I collapsed.
I slept for fourteen hours. I think Maude had dosed the tea with laudanum. I opened my eyes at eight the next morning and couldn't figure where I was. I thought I was back in my bedroom in our house in Surrattsville. I smelled coffee. Mama was making breakfast. Today I would go to the store, because Johnny was coming home.
And then I remembered. I was in Washington. Mama had died. Johnny was gone and would likely never come home again.
I got up and sat on the edge of the bed.
If I were home in Surratsville now, I wouldn't have to move from the edge of this bed, I thought. Our one remaining servant would come to my room and help me dress, take me out onto the front porch, where I would receive neighbors. They would bring food and let me sit there so I could mull my fate properly, the way it is supposed to be mulled.
Here I had no such luxury. I had to do for myself.
I heard voices downstairs. One was Uncle Valentine's. I stumbled about my room. Uncle Valentine must not see me sloppy. He must not think I was an orphan, needing him. I put on a fresh cotton frock. I didn't have a black one. It was dark blue, with some white on the collar and cuffs.
I went downstairs. When I got to the bottom, some men came in the front door with a lead coffin, the one Mama had so insisted upon. Why lead? I wondered. What was Mama afraid of? It looked like one of the ironclads the North had on the Potomac River.
The reverend had come, was directing the men into the parlor, where Mama had been taken. "Everything is going according to plan," he said. He seemed immensely pleased with himself.
What plan? I wondered. Mama and I hadn't had a plan since we came here to Washington. Did we have one now?
"The undertakers are here," he explained. "Everything will be all right now."
I supposed that in the mind of reverends, everything got to be all right when the undertakers came. Well, that was their business.
"Doctors Brown and Alexander. They are the same ones who worked such miracles on Mr. Lincoln's little boy, Willie, when he died three years ago. They'll take your mama away for just a while and bring her back this afternoon. Don't worry. All her wishes are being honored."
I nodded my thanks. "What about clothing for Mama?"
"Maude selected it. I hope you don't mind. The brown silk with the lace collar."
Dimly, in back of my aching head, I wondered what the men would do about the hoops. They wouldn't fit in a coffin. But I was sure Doctors Brown and Alexander, who had worked such miracles on Willie Lincoln, would know what to do about a little thing like hoops.
"Fine." Tears dimmed my eyes. From outside on the street I heard noise, shouts, gunshots, cheering. "Are they still taking on about the surrender?" I asked.
"Isn't it wonderful?" He smiled as if he had arranged that, too. "General Grant never asked Lee to hand over his sword."
What could