And Baby Makes Two - Dyan Sheldon [28]
That was what I’d told Les, that I was doing my A levels and applying to RADA when I finished. I was surprised he’d remembered. Since I hadn’t.
“Yes, I can,” I said. “I always planned to have children. I’m just starting a little sooner than I thought.”
“And what about me?” hissed Les. “I told you right from the start, Lana, I’m not ready for anything serious.” He was wearing a deep orange shirt and a black and orange tie. He fiddled with the tie. “I’m only twenty, for Christ’s sake. I’m not ready for a kid. I’m just getting my career off the ground. I can’t support you and it. I can barely support myself.”
“I’m not asking you to support us,” I said stiffly. “I’m not trying to trap you, Les. And I won’t tell Hilary who the dad is, if that’s what you’re worried about. You can count on that.” I looked deep into his eyes. “But let’s not forget who didn’t bother using a condom.”
He blushed and looked at his hands. “Don’t I have any say in this?”
I swallowed hard. “You can say what you want, but I’m not killing our baby.” I raised my chin. “And I’m not giving it away either.”
Les squashed his coffee cup in his palms. “And just how do I know that it’s our baby, Lana? Huh? How do I know that?”
This wasn’t in my script, either.
“What do you mean?” I wasn’t keeping my voice down. I was trying to, but it wasn’t possible. “Of course it’s yours! I was a virgin! Do you think the father’s God?”
“For Christ’s sake, Lana!” hissed Les. “Everybody can hear you.”
“I didn’t want to discuss this here,” I shrieked. “I wanted to go to your place. So we could have a proper talk.”
“Well, you can’t come round tonight.” His eyes shifted. “It’s Gary. Gary’s having a party. It’d be worse than trying to talk in here.”
“But we can go to your room—”
He looked at his watch again. “I’ve got to get back, Lana. I’m sorry. Are you coming?”
I’d never seen Les look so cold and hard. He was like a stranger. I hadn’t thought about it before, but all of a sudden it hit me that I could lose him. If I caused him too much trouble… Instead of us getting married and having our own flat, he could get a transfer south of the river or something and I’d never see him again. I took a tissue from my pocket and blew my nose.
“I can’t believe it,” I mumbled. “You’re angry with me!”
“I’m not angry, Lana. I just… It’s a bit of a shock, that’s all.” He came round and put a hand on my shoulder. “You’re sure your mother doesn’t know about me?”
I nodded. “Of course she doesn’t. It’s none of her business who the dad is, is it?”
“And you’re sure it’s mine?”
My tears fell on his hand.
I couldn’t tell if I had more chance of losing him if he knew he was the father, or more chance if he thought it could be someone else. I decided to hedge my bets.
“As sure as a woman can be,” I said truthfully.
Let him work out what that meant for himself.
And that was it, really.
Except for the part where I got tortured as punishment for becoming a grown-up without anyone’s permission. The form of torture chosen by my mother was having to listen to advice from everyone and anyone she could drag into my private affairs.
Nan said I didn’t know what I was letting myself in for.
“Children are a full-time job,” said my nan. “Just washing the nappies used to take me hours.”
I thought she was joking. It had never occurred to me that disposable nappies hadn’t always been around.
“Well, nobody washes nappies any more,” I said when she’d corrected me. “Or bottles.”
“You’re throwing your life away,” said my nan.
“You mean like you did?” I asked. “You had four kids. That means you threw it away more than once.”
“You should learn from other people’s mistakes,” said my nan. “Not repeat them.”
My sister Charlene had obviously inherited her genes from my mother’s side.
“You’re throwing your life away,” said Charlene. “You should live a little before you have kids.”
“You’ve got two of your own,” I pointed out.
“You don’t have