And Baby Makes Two - Dyan Sheldon [42]
“Lana, wake up.”
I risked another look. Hilary was standing over me with no make-up on and her hair in curlers like some monster of the night. I wanted to hit her.
“What do you want?”
“What do I want? Can’t you hear Shinola? She’s been crying for ten minutes.”
Then why didn’t she look after her, for God’s sake? I pulled a cushion over my head. “So give her a bottle.”
She threw the cushion on to the floor. “I’m not her mother. She needs you, Lana. Now.”
There was nothing for it, she was going to get me up if she had to drag me off the couch. I sat up, rubbing my eyes.
“I can’t have my sleep disturbed like this every night,” she complained. “I’ve got to go to work.”
She’d taken a week off after I got home from hospital, to look after me and Shinola, and that was hell. But this was worse. Before she complained all the time, but at least she got up with Shinola in the night once in a while and made a few bottles. Now all she did was complain.
“All right … all right…” I got to my feet and staggered into the kitchen.
“Pick Shinola up before you heat the bottle,” she nagged. “She’s upset. She needs to be comforted.”
“I’ll comfort her once I’ve done this,” I said, though at that moment I’d sooner have stuffed her down the loo. “I’ve only got two hands.”
There were three bottles ready in the fridge, thank God. I wasn’t up to any major preparation. Not with the Curse of Kilburn shrieking at me.
“Heat the water first,” ordered my mother. “You don’t want it hot, you just want it warmed.”
I put a bottle in a cold pan of water and turned on the burner. “I know how hot to make it,” I informed her. “I have done this before.”
She didn’t say anything. I glanced over my shoulder to see why. You know, to see if she was putting a curse on me or something and couldn’t be bothered to answer. She was gone.
Though not for long.
She came back before I had time to miss her, Shinola squirming in her arms.
“Look at her!” she said accusingly. “She’s almost blue.”
She was closer to purple than blue, if you asked me.
“And that’s my fault?” I screamed back. “Even though I didn’t hear her?”
Some things never changed. I still got blamed for everything, but now she had more things to blame me for.
“You should’ve heard her,” snarled my mother. “Either you bring her cot into the living-room, or you take the telly into your room.”
But when she talked to Shinola she was as sweet as pie. “There … there…” she crooned. “Your bottle will be ready in a minute. There … there … there…”
I took Shinola out of her arms. “She’ll puke if you keep jiggling her like that.”
“No, she won’t,” said my mother. “She has nothing in her to puke.”
It was another week before Les could come over – because of work and having to catch up after his holiday and everything. He had a surprise for me. “I can’t wait to see your face when you see it,” said Les.
It’d been so long since anyone had given me anything that wasn’t really for Shinola that I instantly forgave him for not coming round sooner.
I spent the whole day getting ready.
Les was a very neat person. I didn’t want him to think that motherhood had made me sloppy, so I tidied the flat up first. It took ages because every time I’d get stuck into the washing-up or something, Shinola would start screaming.
Then I gave her a bath and changed her so she wouldn’t smell like something that’d gone off. As soon as I snapped the last snap on her rompers, she did the biggest dump anyone smaller than an elephant could possibly do. I had to start all over again.
I hadn’t even finished doing my make-up when the doorbell rang.
Shinola was whingeing, of course, so I scooped her up and raced to the door.
Les looked surprised. “Jesus Christ,” he said.
I smiled down at her. “Say hello to your father.” I waved her little hand at him. It was wet with drool.
Les had half a smile on his face. Not a small smile, but half a smile, as if only one half of his mouth could actually move. He kind of shuffled from one foot to the other, his eyes