Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter Colletion_ Books 11-15 - Laurell K. Hamilton [90]
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Originally, Jean-Claude said he’d kill Richard if he didn’t get a chance to woo me too.”
“And why didn’t you just kill Jean-Claude then? You don’t tolerate ultimatums, Anita, so why tolerate that one?”
I didn’t have an answer for that, or at least not a good one.
“Richard grows more distant, more caught up in his own personal angst, which leaves the field open for Jean-Claude. So suddenly you have Nathaniel bunking with you. I know, I know, he’s your pomme de sang, your house leopard, but it was still interesting timing.”
I wanted to tell him to stop, to not say anymore, but he didn’t, he kept on. I’d never thought of Jason as relentless before.
“Somewhere in all this, Asher comes up on the radar, maybe it’s Jean-Claude’s old memories, maybe not. But whatever caused it, you’re drawn to him, but he’s so full of anger that it’s not a threat. He’s almost as full of self-loathing as Richard is. Then suddenly Richard walks away for real this time. You’re left with just Jean-Claude, and Nathaniel, but Nathaniel isn’t enough of a romantic threat to keep Jean-Claude at bay, and suddenly there’s Micah. Out of the blue, instant lust, instant housekeeping. You have Micah, and now Jean-Claude is back to sharing you with someone else, and you’re safe again. You can’t fall madly in love with Jean-Claude, or anyone else, because you’ve divided your world up into different parts with each of them. Because no one man has your whole world, no one man can rock your whole world.”
I got out of the bed, tugging the sheet around me like a robe. I suddenly didn’t want to be naked in front of Jason anymore.
“I thought it was all accidental, and it was, and it wasn’t. You’re terrified of belonging to just one person, aren’t you?”
I shook my head. “Not of belonging to just one person, Jason, of wanting to belong to just one person.”
“Why, why is that so frightening to you? Most people spend their lives wanting exactly that, I know I do.”
“I loved someone once with my whole heart, and he stomped on it.”
“Please, not the fiancé in college. Anita that was years ago, and he was an asshole. You can’t spend the rest of your life nursing one bad experience.”
I was at the foot of the bed now, wrapped shoulders to feet in the sheet. I was cold, and it had nothing to do with the temperature. “It’s not only that,” I said, voice soft.
“What is it then?”
I took a deep breath in, let it out slow. “I loved my mother with my whole heart and whole soul, she was my world. She died, and it nearly destroyed me.” I thought about everything he’d said, and I couldn’t argue with it, and I couldn’t pretend it didn’t make sense. “I never want to put my whole world in any one person’s hands again, Jason. If they die, I won’t die with them.”
“So you’ll hold a little of yourself back from everybody.”
“No,” I said, “I’ll hold back a piece of myself for myself. No one gets all of me, Jason, no one, except me.”
He shook his head. “So Jean-Claude gets sex, but no blood. Nathaniel gets intimacy, but not intercourse. Asher gets blood but not intercourse. Micah’s getting intimacy and intercourse, what are you holding back from him?”
“I don’t love him yet.”
“Liar.”
“I lust after him, but I don’t love him yet.”
“And Richard, what did you hold back from Richard?”
I stood there wrapped in the damned sheet, feeling the world sinking away to a small screaming thing. “Nothing,” I said, “I held back nothing, and he dumped my ass.”
Jason just sat there for a second or two, then he got off the bed. I think he meant to hold me, comfort me.
I put out a hand to stop him. “If you hug me, I’m going to cry, and Richard has gotten the last tear out of me that he’s going to get.”
“I’m sorry, Anita.”
“Not your fault.”
“No, but it wasn’t any of my business either. I don’t have the right to psychoanalyze you.”
“You’re just jealous,” I said, and I tried to