Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter Colletion_ Books 6-10 - Laurell K. Hamilton [936]
When I was sure I could talk without sounding as confused as I felt, I asked, “Is this thing permanent, or will it go away when we all adjust to the marks being married?”
“I do not know, ma petite. I wish I could tell you something more certain. If you were truly of my get, truly vampire, then I would say, yes, it is permanent. But you are my human servant. You have manifested powers in the past, and some have come and gone.” He raised his hands. “There is no way to be sure.”
“Is it always like this, never satisfied, never finished?”
“No, you can sate yourself, but it takes much to do it. Usually, one must be content with enough to keep the desire from overwhelming you.”
“And you haven’t fed like this in months, because you thought I would disapprove?”
“Years. And yes.”
I stared at him across the room with Asher still kneeling in front of me. I’d always thought of Jean-Claude as the weaker-willed of the three of us—Richard, him, and me. Now I stood there afraid to move, afraid not to move, wanting to do things that were not me, not mine, not even Jean-Claude’s. I’d known that the lycanthropes spoke of their animal half as something separate from them—their beast—but I’d never understood that some of the vampires’ powers were the same way. Desires, hungers, so strong and overwhelming that they were like separate beings trapped inside your head, your body, your blood.
Asher made a small movement, and I turned to him. My hand reached out to stroke his hair before I’d turned completely to face him, as if my body had been moving without my eyes or my brain. His hair was thicker textured, more like mine, not the baby-fine curls of Jean-Claude or Jason, or the velvet silk of Nathaniel. I bundled my hands into Asher’s hair as if I’d memorize the feel of it. Somewhere between mine and Richard’s, somewhere in the middle, but not warm like Richard’s was to the touch. Asher hadn’t fed today, and he had no warmth to give. His skin was cool under my fingertips as I traced his cheek.
I spoke without looking at Jean-Claude. “How have you stood it? How could you fight the need all this time?”
“You are a fledgling, ma petite. Your control will never be weaker than now. I have had centuries to practice my control.”
I made myself stop petting Asher. But he took my hand as I moved it back and laid a gentle kiss on my knuckles. Even that small touch made me catch my breath. My voice came out weak. “So you can go without feeding the desire.”
“No, ma petite.”
I turned and stared at him, and Asher rubbed his thumb in small circles on my hand. I remembered that small touch as precious, a habit he had no matter which of us he held hands with. “You said you hadn’t fed like this.”
“I have had no sex, nor touched anyone in such a complete manner as you have done with Nathaniel. But I must feed the desire, just as I must take blood.”
“What happens if you don’t?”
“You remember what happened to Sabin when he stopped taking human blood?”
I nodded. Asher’s thumb continued its small circle on my hand, and it made things low in my body tighten. “Sabin started to rot while he was still alive.” I stared into Jean-Claude’s perfect face. “Is that what would happen to you?”
He sat back on the bed in his black robe. Jason had moved against the headboard as if watching a show, and Nathaniel still lay on his stomach where I’d left him, watching us with pale eyes. “There was a vampire of Belle’s lineage who renounced the lust. He took only animals, as well, and I believe would have rotted as Sabin did, but he did not have the time. He began to age in a matter of days. When he was a wizened thing, Belle had him killed.”
“But you haven’t aged, what have you been doing?” It wasn’t accusatory. I simply wanted to know, because I could feel Asher on the end of my hand like something huge and . . . like something I couldn’t live without. I’d wanted Nathaniel, I’d wanted Jason, I