Anna Karenina (Penguin) - Leo Tolstoy [181]
Ambition was the old dream of his childhood and youth, a dream which he did not confess even to himself, but which was so strong that even now this passion struggled with his love. His first steps in the world and in the service had been successful, but two years ago he had made a blunder. Wishing to show his independence and move ahead, he had refused a post offered to him, hoping that his refusal would endow him with greater value; but it turned out that he had been too bold, and he was passed over. Having willy-nilly created a position for himself as an independent man, he bore with it, behaving quite subtly and intelligently, as if he was not angry with anyone, did not consider himself offended by anyone and wished only to be left in peace, because he liked it that way. But in fact, a year ago, when he went to Moscow, he ceased to like it. He sensed that this independent position of a man who could do anything but wanted nothing was beginning to wear thin, that many were beginning to think he could do nothing but be an honest and good fellow. His liaison with Anna, which had made so much noise and attracted general attention, had lent him new brilliance and pacified for a time the worm of ambition that gnawed at him, but a week ago this worm had awakened with renewed force. His childhood comrade, of the same circle, the same wealth, and a comrade in the corps, Serpukhovskoy, who had graduated in the same year, had been his rival in class, in gymnastics, in pranks, and in ambitious dreams, had come back from Central Asia the other day,20 having received two promotions there and a decoration rarely given to such young generals.
As soon as he arrived in Petersburg, he began to be talked about as a new rising star of the first magnitude. Of the same age as Vronsky and his classmate, he was a general and expected an appointment that might influence the course of state affairs, while Vronsky, though independent and brilliant and loved by a charming woman, was none the less only a cavalry captain, who was left to be as independent as he liked. ‘Naturally, I do not and cannot envy Serpukhovskoy, but his rise shows me that, if one bides one’s time, the career of a man like me can be made very quickly. Three years ago he was in the same position I am in now. If I resign, I’ll be burning my boats. By remaining in the service, I won’t lose anything. She said herself that she didn’t want to change her situation. And, with her love, I cannot envy Serpukhovskoy.’ Twirling his moustache in a slow movement, he got up from the table and walked around the room. His eyes shone especially brightly, and he felt that firm, calm and joyful state of mind which always came over him after clarifying his situation. As after previous squarings of accounts, everything was clean and clear. He shaved, washed, took a cold bath and went out.
XXI
‘I was coming to get you. Your laundry took a long time today,’ said Petritsky. ‘Well, are you done?’
‘Done,’ replied Vronsky, smiling with his eyes alone and twirling the tips of his moustache carefully as if, after the order he had brought to his affairs, any too bold and quick movement might destroy it.
‘Afterwards it’s always as if you just got out of the bath,’said Petritsky. ‘I’m coming from Gritska’ (as they called the regimental commander). ‘You’re expected.’
Vronsky gazed at his comrade without replying, thinking of something else.
‘Ah, is that music at his place?’ he said, catching the familiar sounds of tubas playing polkas and waltzes. ‘What’s the celebration?’
‘Serpukhovskoy’s arrived.’
‘Ahh,’ said Vronsky, ‘and I didn’t know!’
The smile in his eyes shone still brighter.
Having once decided to himself that he was happy in his love and was sacrificing his ambition to it, or at least having taken this role upon himself, Vronsky could no longer feel either envy for Serpukhovskoy, or vexation with him for not visiting him first on coming to the regiment. Serpukhovskoy was a good friend, and he was pleased that he had come.
‘Ah, I’m very glad.’
Regimental commander Diomin occupied