Anna Karenina (Penguin) - Leo Tolstoy [324]
‘You envy him for being unable to fall in love?’
‘I envy him for being better than I am,’ said Levin, smiling. ‘He doesn’t live for himself. His whole life is subordinated to duty. And therefore he can be calm and satisfied.’
‘And you?’ said Kitty, with a mocking, loving smile.
She would never have been able to express the train of thought that made her smile; but the final conclusion was that her husband, in admiring his brother and demeaning himself before him, was insincere. Kitty knew that this insincerity came from his love for his brother, from his embarrassment at being too happy, and especially from the desire to be better, which never left him - she loved that in him, and so she smiled.
‘And you? What are you dissatisfied with?’ she asked with the same smile.
Her disbelief in his dissatisfaction with himself delighted him, and he unconsciously provoked her to give the reasons for her disbelief.
‘I’m happy, but dissatisfied with myself ...’ he said.
‘How can you be dissatisfied if you’re happy?’
‘I mean, how shall I tell you? ... In my heart I wish for nothing except that you shouldn’t stumble now. Ah, no, you mustn’t jump like that!’ He interrupted his talk with a reproach, because she had made too quick a movement stepping over a branch that lay in the path. ‘But when I consider myself and compare myself with others, especially with my brother, I feel that I’m bad.’
‘But in what?’ Kitty went on with the same smile. ‘Don’t you also do things for others? And your farmsteads, and your farming, and your book? ...’
‘No, I feel - especially now, and it’s your fault,’ he said, pressing her arm to him, ‘that that is not it. I do it casually, lightly. If I could love all this as I love you ... but lately I’ve been doing it as a set task.’
‘Well, what would you say of papa?’ asked Kitty. ‘Is he bad, too, since he’s done nothing for the common cause?’
‘He? No. But one must have the simplicity, clarity and kindness that your father has, and do I have that? I do nothing and I suffer. It’s all your doing. When there was no you and no this,’ he said, with a glance at her stomach, which she understood, ‘I put all my strength into my work. But now I can’t and I’m ashamed; I do it just like a set task, I pretend ...’
‘Well, and would you like to change places with Sergei Ivanych now?’ said Kitty. ‘Would you like to work for this common cause and love this set task as he does, and only that?’
‘Of course not,’ said Levin. ‘Anyhow, I’m so happy that I don’t understand anything. And you really think he’s going to propose today?’ he added after a pause.
‘I do and don’t. Only I want it terribly. Wait a second.’ She bent down and picked a wild daisy by the roadside. ‘Here, count: he will propose, he won’t propose,’ she said, handing him the daisy.
‘He will, he won’t,’ Levin said, tearing off the narrow, white, grooved petals.
‘No, no!’ Kitty, who was excitedly watching his fingers, seized his hand. ‘You’ve torn off two.’
‘Well, but this little one doesn’t count,’ said Levin, tearing off a short, undeveloped petal. ‘And here’s the wagonette catching up with us.’
‘Aren’t you tired, Kitty?’ the princess shouted.
‘Not in the least.’
‘You could get in, if the horses stay quiet and walk slowly.’
But it was not worthwhile getting in. They were nearly there, and everybody went on foot.
IV
Varenka, with her white kerchief over her dark hair, surrounded by children, good-naturedly and cheerfully occupied with them, and apparently excited by the possibility of a declaration from a man she liked, was very attractive. Sergei Ivanovich walked beside her and kept admiring her. Looking at her, he recalled all the nice conversation he had heard from her, all the good he had heard about her, and realized more and more that the feeling he had for her was something special, which he had experienced long, long ago, and only once, in his early youth. The feeling of joy at her nearness,