Anna Karenina (Penguin) - Leo Tolstoy [425]
‘Can’t you go tomorrow?’ she said.
‘No, I can’t! The business I’m going for, the warrant and the money, won’t have come by tomorrow,’ he replied.
‘In that case, we won’t leave at all.’
‘But why not?’
‘I won’t go later. Monday or never!’
‘But why?’ Vronsky said as if in surprise. ‘It makes no sense!’
‘For you it makes no sense, because you don’t care about me at all. You don’t want to understand my life. The only thing that has occupied me here is Hannah. You say it’s all pretence. You did say yesterday that I don’t love my daughter but pretend to love this English girl and that it’s unnatural. I’d like to know what kind of life can be natural for me here!’
For a moment she recovered herself and was horrified at having failed in her intention. But, even knowing that she was ruining herself, she could not hold back, could not keep from showing him how wrong he was, could not submit to him.
‘I never said that. I said that I did not sympathize with this sudden love.’
‘Since you boast of your directness, why don’t you tell the truth?’
‘I never boast, and I never say anything that isn’t true,’ he said softly, holding back the anger that was surging up in him. ‘It’s a great pity if you don’t respect ...’
‘Respect was invented to cover the empty place where love should be. But if you don’t love me, it would be better and more honest to say so.’
‘No, this is becoming unbearable!’ Vronsky cried, getting up from his chair. And, stopping in front of her, he said slowly, ‘Why do you try my patience?’ He looked as if he could have said many other things, but restrained himself. ‘It does have limits.’
‘What do you mean by that?’ she cried, staring with horror at the clear expression of hatred that was on his whole face, especially in his cruel, menacing eyes.
‘I mean ...’ he began, but stopped. ‘I must ask you what you want of me.’
‘What can I want? The only thing I can want is that you not abandon me, as you’re thinking of doing,’ she said, understanding all that he had left unsaid. ‘But that’s not what I want, that’s secondary. I want love and there is none. Which means it’s all over!’
She went towards the door.
‘Wait! Wa-a-ait!’ said Vronsky, not smoothing the grim furrow of his brows, but stopping her by the arm. ‘What’s the matter? I said we should put off our departure for three days and to that you said that I was lying, that I’m a dishonest man.’
‘Yes, and I repeat that a man who reproaches me by saying he has sacrificed everything for me,’ she said, recalling the words of a previous quarrel, ‘is still worse than a dishonest man - he’s a man with no heart!’
‘No, patience has its limits!’ he cried, and quickly let go of her arm.
‘He hates me, it’s clear,’ she thought, and silently, without looking back, she left the room with faltering steps.
‘He loves another woman, that’s clearer still,’ she said to herself, going into her room. ‘I want love and there is none. Which means it’s all over,’ she repeated the words she had said, ‘and I must end it.’
‘But how?’ she asked herself, and sat down on a chair in front of the mirror.
Thoughts of where she would go now - to the aunt who had brought her up, to Dolly, or simply abroad alone - and of what he was doing now, alone in his study, and whether this quarrel was the final one or reconciliation was still possible, and of what all her former Petersburg acquaintances would say about her now, and how Alexei Alexandrovich would look at it, and many other thoughts of what would happen now, after the break-up, came to her mind, but she did not give herself wholeheartedly to these thoughts. In her soul there was some vague thought which alone interested her, yet she was unable to bring it to consciousness. Having remembered Alexei Alexandrovich once again, she also remembered the time of her illness after giving birth, and the feeling that would not leave her then. ‘Why didn’t I die?’ - she remembered the words she had said then and the feeling she had had then. And she suddenly understood what was in her soul. Yes, this was the thought