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into one of “André McCrae”’s parties. You can imagine the culture shock—toasting in Tiffany champagne flutes with Krug ’61 for People and Time, after eating grubs and slugs, raw fish and rotted roots, for what seemed like a decade. (In the stone age you lose track of time.) I needed a dentist as much as a manicure or pedicure. And I came to realize with a vengeance why longevity was not a feature of early human life. (It’s not all that much fun to outlive your teeth anyway.)

Now I live my life like a warrior. I know it is a pastime, not a hardship; play, not work.

Back in blazing autumnal Connecticut, on the edge of eternity, back with my child, my (dormant) rosebushes, my dog, my poems, my kitchen garden of herbs and spices, I know I am utterly blessed. And not alone.

I am moving toward the light.

Like a moth fluttering my wings, if only to die in a blaze. Writing, painting, praying, making love, dying in the interstices between the light.

As Leila says, “As long as flesh exists, someone will rise from the warmth of the huddle and struggle to her knees to scribble pictures—words—on the side of the cave to please—or irk—the gods.”

My tale has no end. Like Chinese boxes within boxes, like Russian dolls within dolls, like an onion peeling back its skin, we go on revealing our hearts in the hope that they may never stop beating.

Vain hope!

My heart beats in these words.

I (whoever that is) imagine Leila, who imagines you, dear reader, looking for home, for peace, for mother, for father, for God, for Goddess, and hoping to find the key to serenity between the covers of this book. As I did, writing it.

Take your pen or brush and paint yourself out of your own corner. Breathe in. Breathe out. Sit still.

I will help you.

This is both my prayer and my love letter to you.

credits and permissions

Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following for permission to quote from copyrighted material:

From the following songs by Bessie Smith: “Blue Blues” © 1931 Frank Music Corp. © Renewed 1959 Frank Music Corp.; “Dirty No-Gooder’s Blues” © 1929 Frank Music Corp. © Renewed 1957 Frank Music Corp.; “It Makes My Love Come Down” © 1929 Frank Music Corp. © Renewed 1957 Frank Music Corp.; “Long Road” © 1931 Frank Music Corp. © Renewed 1959 Frank Music Corp.; “Please Help Me Get Him off My Mind” © 1928 Frank Music Corp. © Renewed 1956 Frank Music Corp.; “Reckless Blues” © 1925 Frank Music Corp. © Renewed 1953 Frank Music Corp.; “Shipwreck Blues” © 1931 Frank Music Corp. © Renewed 1959 Frank Music Corp.; “Sorrowful Blues” © 1924 Frank Music Corp. © Renewed 1952 Frank Music Corp.; “Wasted Life Blues” © 1929 Frank Music Corp. © Renewed 1957 Frank Music Corp. International Copyrights Secured. All Rights Reserved. Used By Permission.

From “Down in the Dumps” by Leola P. Wilson and Wesley Wilson. © 1958 Frank Music Corp. © Renewed 1986 Frank Music Corp. International Copyright Secured. All Rights Reserved. Used By Permission.

From “Jailhouse Blues” by Bessie Smith and Clarence Williams. © 1923 Frank Music Corp. © Renewed 1951 Frank Music Corp. International Copyright Secured. All Rights Reserved. Used By Permission.

From “I Ain’t Got You” by Calvin Carter. Copyright © 1955 (Renewed) by Conrad Music, a division of Arc Music Corp. Reprinted By Permission. All Rights Reserved.

From “Right String but the Wrong Yo-Yo” by Willie Perryman. Copyright © 1985 Unichappell Music, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Used By Permission.

From “Love Is Here to Stay” by George Gershwin and Ira Gershwin. Copyright © 1938 by Gershwin Publishing Corporation. Copyright Renewed, Assigned to Chappell & Co., Inc. All Rights Reserved. Used By Permission.

From “Down-Hearted Blues” by Alberta Hunter and Lovie Austin. © Copyright 1922 by Alberta Hunter and Lovie Austin. © Copyright renewed 1949 and assigned to MCA Music Publishing, A Division of MCA, Inc. © Copyright 1963 by MCA Music Publishing, A Division of MCA Inc. Rights administered by MCA Music Publishing, A Division of MCA Inc. Used By Permission. All Rights Reserved.

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