Apaches - Lorenzo Carcaterra [88]
“Stop yelling, please,” Mary said. She kept a tight rein on her reaction and her emotions under control. “You’re going to wake up Frankie.”
“Almost losin’ your life wasn’t enough for you?” Joe continued to shout, stomping around the small bedroom in bare feet and red Jockey shorts. “Almost leaving him without a mother wasn’t enough to make you wanna turn your back for good? And almost leaving me, not that you give a shit, should at least be worth a little something after all these years.”
“All of that is important.” Mary kept her eyes on her husband, understanding his need to vent, trying not to let her words cut deeper into the frustration he harbored over never having the kind of wife he so much wanted. “Don’t think for a minute that it isn’t.”
“If you do this, Mary, you gotta know it’s over between you and me,” Joe said, stopping at the edge of the bed. “I’ve lived through a lot with you, but I won’t live with this. You lookin’ to get yourself buried, get somebody else to help you do it.”
“Look at me, Joe,” Mary said, trying not to make her words sound like a plea for help. “I’ve got scars up and down my body. I can’t even look at myself in the shower without crying. I work at a job I hate when I’m there and hate thinking about when I’m not.”
“Not many people get shot selling insurance policies.” Joe spit the words out and sat on the side of the bed away from his wife. “And they like you there. You’re doing good work for good people.”
“It’s not what I want,” Mary said softly. “And it’s not what I need.”
“Going out on a suicide job, that’s what you want? And getting yourself killed and breaking the law while you’re at it, that’s what you need?”
“I’m dead now, Joe,” Mary said, pushing back the covers and sliding across the bed to sit next to him. “You have to be able to see that. To know that. I’m never going to be the kind of wife you want. Especially not the way I am now.”
“You don’t need to tell me.” Joe stared down at the violet carpet. “I learned that a long time ago.”
“I need to try and get back to being the kind of cop I was,” Mary said. “For no other reason than to feel alive again.”
“What about us?” Joe asked, turning to face her. “What about me and Frankie? And what about me and you?”
“I love you both very much,” Mary said. “But I love you both for what you are and who you are. That’s all I’m asking from you in return. After all these years, you’ve got to know I’m not someone who keeps house. And I sure as hell am not someone who sells insurance.”
“And you’re not someone who can cook worth a shit either.” Joe shook his head and forced a smile, putting an arm around his wife’s shoulders.
“I’m a cop, Joe.” Mary rested her head on his chest. “Like it or not, you fell in love with a cop.”
“And I’m still in love with one,” Joe said. “No matter what you might think.”
“Then let me do this,” Mary said in a whisper. “Please.”
“You want my okay for you to go out and get yourself killed.” Joe sighed. “That’s an awful lot to ask from anybody. Let alone your husband.”
“The only person I’d ever ask is my husband,” Mary said. “I’m asking you to let me go out and feel what it’s like to be alive again.”
“Who tells Frankie?” Joe asked after a long silence.
“We will,” Mary said with a slow smile. “You and me. In the morning, while you’re making us all pancakes.”
“Looks like I’m back to doing the cooking now too,” Joe said.
“And it looks like I’m back to being a cop,” Mary said, leaning against her pillow, holding Joe’s hand and bringing him along.
“Don’t die on me, Mary,” Joe said. “That’s all I’ll ask from you.”
“That’s a big step over what you used to ask,” Mary said, a full smile spread across her face now.
“What was that?” Joe said, slipping