Appointment in Samarra - John O'Hara [99]
But Dr. English gave me this to give to you, and I think you ought to get some sleep. You haven t slept a wink since one o clock this morning.
Yes, I did. I slept a little.
No, you didn t. Not a real sleep.
But I don t want to sleep now. Specially.
Oh, dear, what am I going to do with you? said Mrs. Walker. Poor Mother, said Caroline, and she held out her arms to her mother. She was sorry for her mother, who had no great grief in this, but only sadness that was stirred by her own grief. She was just sort of on-call, ready to supply sadness which made her eligible actively to share Caroline s grief. She tried, that first day, not to think about Julian but what on earth else was there to think about? She would think back to the early morning, when her mother came in her old room and told her Julian s father was downstairs and wanted to see her. Sometimes when she thought about it she would say, I knew it right away. I got it immediately, but again she would be honest and accuse herself, for she had not got it right away. That there was something wrong she knew, but the truth was she was on the verge of refusing to go downstairs. She knew it concerned Julian, and she did not want to hear more of him, but her intelligence and not her instinct pointed out to her lying in her warm, sweet bed that Julian s father was the last man in the world to wake you up at that hour of the night one o clock in the morning, almost without some good reason. He said he had terrible news for her and it was just like prefacing a story with this is the funniest thing you ever heard, or this will kill you. Nothing Dr. English could say could come up to his prefatory words. But he was a considerate man; he told it all at once and did not wait to be asked questions. Mr. Harley found Julian lying in the car, in the garage, and he was dead then, although Mr. Harley didn’t know it at the time. He died of carbon monoxide, a poison gas that comes out of a car. The motor was running. Then, after a pause. Caroline, it looks like suicide. You didn’t get any note or anything like that, did you?
God, no! Don t you suppose I d be up there now if I did?
I didn’t mean to imply anything, said the doctor. I just wanted to be sure. The coroner will ask things like that. I don t see how we can avoid a verdict of suicide, but I ll try. I ll see what I can do. He had the sound of a politician who doesn’t want to admit that he can t get a new post-office. Why should you want to? Of course he killed himself, said Caroline. Caroline, dear! said her mother. You ought not to say that till you’re sure. That s a terrible thing to say.
Why is it? Why the hell is it? Who said so? God damn all of you! If he wanted to kill himself whose business is it but his own?
She s hysterical, said her mother. Darling
Ah, go away. You did it. You, you don t like him. You did, too, you pompous old man.
Oh, Caroline, how can you say things like that?
Where is he? Come on, where is he? Where d you take him. Do you know he s dead? How do you know? I don t think you even know when a man is dead.
He s my son, Caroline. Remember that please. My only son.
Yaah. Your only son. Well, he never liked you. I guess you know that, don t you? So high and mighty and nasty to him when we went to your house for Christmas. Don t think he didn’t notice it. You made him do it, not me.
I think I ll go, Ella. If you want me you can get me at home.
All right, Will, said Mrs. Walker. Why did you call Mother first? Why didn’t you tell me first?
Now, dear. Good night, Will. I won’t go to the door.
Aren t you going to take me to him? What s the matter? Is he burnt up or mangled or what?
Oh, please, darling, said Mrs. Walker. Will, do you think for a minute?
Yes, I guess so. I just thought it d be bad for her while the news is fresh.
Well, then, if you really want to see him tonight, dear, said Mrs. Walker. Oh,