Armageddon_ A Novel of Berlin - Leon Uris [301]
On Christmas Day he phoned from Erding. Judy cried and Lynn cried because Daddy was alone. The children and Hilde all insisted Mommy go down to Erding and stay with him. Clint was miserable but protested the idea ... weakly.
When everyone reassured her they wanted her to make the trip, she packed her bags in minutes. Clint meanwhile drove to Munich to find a hotel room.
When Hilde and the children saw Judy off at the railroad station it became a good Christmas for everyone.
Erna’s letter came the next day. When the children had been put to sleep, she stoked the fire and read it over for a third time.
Erna was a saint. Hilde knew she would never have gone back to her father, first. Hilde did not hate him so strongly as she once believed. These days hate was tempered by pity and the wisdom of maturity. Time healed so many things. Perhaps it could heal this too. Perhaps she would see her family again.
She wrote to Erna that the silly business with the flyer was over. Having lost her heart for the first time, it was proving difficult. She reaffirmed her contention that love was a bother and could bring nothing but pain.
Hilde wrote of thoughts of coming back to Berlin. She wanted to study so that in time she could carry her own weight. But mostly, she wanted to be with Erna and to help take care of Uncle Ulrich.
A phone call came from Munich. Colonel Loveless had gotten a room at the Bayerischer Hof. Hilde heard Mrs. Loveless giggle on the phone and whisper, “Clint, stop it.” They were having a grand time. Mrs. Loveless said the colonel would have to stay at Erding till after New Year’s.
Hilde assured her everything at home would be under control and insisted she stay with him. Colonel Loveless took the phone, “Hilde, I love you,” he said. When the call was done, she returned to her letter to Erna.
The doorbell rang. Scott Davidson stood out in the cold. Except for rare moments, Hilde had learned complete control of herself; she walked away, leaving the door open. He trailed in slowly, holding his hat in his hand.
“Hi.”
Hilde turned her back to him, braced herself.
“Know something. I’ve never been lonely at Christmas before. I’m lonely as hell.”
“The children have missed you.”
“How about you?”
“I cannot say I have been happy.”
“Me, too, I’m not happy.”
“Scott, I asked you not to see me. If you persist I will move away from here. It will make life very difficult for me.”
“I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t we get married.” He came up behind her slowly. “I love you, Hilde.”
She looked through misty eyes at the fire. Scott sat on the big hassock. “We act like a couple of people facing a firing squad.”
“Once I believed that marrying an American would answer all my problems. I wanted a world that did not exist And then ... I had too much of another kind of world. Somewhere in between there will be a life for me ... back in Berlin. As for us, Scott ... it won’t work.”
“Hilde. I’m me. I won’t ever change in a lot of ways and I couldn’t promise that. But I know that you are the only one I’ve ever really wanted in my life and I know damned well that I’m going to do whatever is necessary to make it work.”
A smile came from her heart. She believed him.
“We’ll both have to learn how to give,” he said. “I know you’ll take care of me, Hilde ... I never felt anyone ever could before. I want more than anything to take care of you.”
“Scott, there is so much more to it.”
“No, there isn’t, except we’ve been damned fools.”
“You don’t understand. After the war survival had many prices. Berlin was a nightmare: I was very vain and foolish ...”
“I don’t give a damn what happened in Berlin.”
She found the strength to face him, somehow. The shadow of the fire played on her face. “I did not go to sleep with you because the only thing that I could have from you was your respect ... Scott, I was a prostitute.”
“I know all about Hilde Diehl and the Paris Cabaret.”
Hilde hid her face and cried softly. “Oh God ... why did you come back?”
She felt his closeness and the love in him and she let herself be held and soothed. “I came