Armageddon_ A Novel of Berlin - Leon Uris [92]
When Sean left Sutro he was drawn magnetically to the hills behind it leading down to the ocean. Years before, stairways and caves had been carved in the jagged rock for a sea-level restaurant, but the trick tides flooded the area and caused the project to be abandoned. It had been all but forgotten, except by adventurous little boys and nostalgic soldiers on leave.
From here he was behind the Sutro Baths and could see the archway that ran through the middle of one of the Seal Rocks. Sean felt his way down one of the tunnels. Midway he could see a diffused ray of light from the ocean, and spray pounded into the hole. At the end of the tunnel he climbed out onto the rocks just above the smashing surf and looked at the ocean and its golden gateway into San Francisco.
How many hours had they sat there, the three of them, after hitching rides to the beach on the backs of streetcars. They came and watched the ships sail in and out and played games of great adventure in the rocks and caves; and Tim fought the Irish Revolution and Liam read Irish poetry.
Sean was overcome with the nearness of his brothers and he was gripped with sadness. In all those months and years away he had always looked back to this place and to his native city with affection, but now it was an infinite part of his being. His brothers, their youth ... this city was him and he was flooded by a thousand memories of things he had believed he had forgotten.
He walked away with a leaden heart. At the end of Golden Gate Park, facing the ocean, he walked past the enshrined sloop that had belonged to the explorer Amundsen, who had sailed it into the Arctic Circle.
He walked the entire length of the park ... past the polo fields and lakes where little boys played great seamen with toy boats; and past the buffalo pens and rowboat lakes and those hidden places where sailors and their girls made love; past the Japanese Garden, now called the Oriental Garden ... past all the lushness ... immersed in memory.
Suddenly he was out of the park and the great church of St. Ignatius rose up before him. Sean entered, knelt, and crossed himself. It was that time of day when a few old ladies prayed for the lives of sons they might see again and many candles burned for sons who would never return.
It had been so long ... so very long. All those prayers Sean had set away, had doubted, had neglected, all welled up now in a single desperate cry ... “Oh Mother of God! I don’t want to go back to Germany! Help me do the right thing!”
The quiet acceptance of Sean’s departure the next day made things comfortable for everyone. The matter was being treated with the idea that Sean would soon return for good. And, until he went upstairs to sleep, he could not find it within him to talk about the true purpose of his visit.
Sean tossed restlessly in his bed. His brothers were with him ... their mementos all about him. Baseball gloves, class pictures, Liam’s first notebook of poetry, Tim’s medals, the crucifix on the wall, books, boxing gloves, the crystal radio. Nothing in this room had been touched. It had been kept in spotless anticipation for the homecoming of the warrior sons.
Sean heard his father struggle up the stairs and knock on the door.
“I didn’t wake you?”
“No, Poppa, but you shouldn’t walk the steps.”
The bed creaked as Pat sat on its edge, as he had done a thousand times. He stroked his son’s hair and Sean was a little boy again.
“It has been a long hard journey for you, hasn’t it, son?”
“Yes, Poppa.”
“Was there a woman in England?”
“Yes.”
“I could sense it from the tone of your letters.”
“I never could lie to you or fool you very well ...”
“And you loved her very much?”
“Yes. She was married ... we had to ... break it off.”
“Does that still trouble you so deeply?”
“I haven’t gotten over it fully. I guess I never will.”
“But there’s something else?”
Sean turned his back.
“Why did you make this trip?”
It became so