Ascending - James Alan Gardner [161]
Speaking of fur-beetles, their jellied remains disappeared from the fountain while we were busy with other matters. I hoped they had merely gone slurp down the drain, but Festina suspected they had used some newborn mental power to transport themselves to wherever the rest of their people lived: an alternate dimension (whatever that means), or perhaps a distant Jelly-Planet where all the furniture jiggles. It seemed most unfair that these monstrous villains should simply ascend to their own nirvana without suffering retribution; but then I realized it could not be a very good nirvana considering that everyone there was all googly…and perhaps it was not a nirvana at all, but a horrible awful hell, where the only entertainment was persuading others to join you. So I decided not to make myself glum over never punching a Shaddill, and I regarded this as a sign of my Growing Maturity.
I believe I shall be excellent at maturity.
An Annoying Au Revoir
The Pollisand disappeared about the same time as the jellied Shaddill—again while our attention was distracted by more pressing business. He left behind a slip of paper with words written in glowing letters exactly the color of his eyes: HEY KIDS, IT WAS TRULY SPLENDIFEROUS WORKING WITH YOU, I MEAN THAT IN THE SINCEREST POSSIBLE WAY. AND GUESS WHAT? MY CRYSTAL BALL SAYS I’ LL BE SEEING ONE OR TWO OF YOU AGAIN REAL SOON. BET YOU’ RE LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT. HUGS TO YOU ALL, AND BIG WET KISSES. OH WAIT, I FORGOT; I CAN’ T KISS YOU BECAUSE I DON’ T HAVE ANY GODDAMNED LIPS! COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, SCHMUCK-HEADS.—THE P.
As soon as we had all read this, the letters on the message blazed brighter and set the paper on fire. No one made any effort to extinguish it.
“Do you think he really knows what’s going to happen?” Lajoolie asked most fearfully, staring at the burning note.
Festina made a face. “He obviously gets a kick out of jerking our chains—and whether or not he’s prescient, he’s definitely a first-class schemer. If he wants us embroiled in his machinations, he’ll manage it somehow.”
“Ah, Admiral, ever the optimist,” said Aarhus. “Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty, and some see it crawling with toxic alien parasites who want to devour your pancreas.”
Festina shrugged modestly. “Hey…it’s a gift.”
Final Dispositions
So here is how we all ended up.
Lady Bell and Lord Rye never left Unfettered Destiny while it remained in the hold of the stick-ship. They cowered like cowards until we told them everything had been resolved in our favor. After that, Bell insisted we still must pay the “ransom” we agreed to—so we recorded our testimony as originally promised, and the result was broadcast to the entire sector.
This caused much stir amongst the peoples of the galaxy. It also caused a torrent of broadcast money to flood into the Cashlings’ pockets…whereupon Bell and Rye bade adieu to their vocation as Prophets and set off to become producers of sensationalistic VR extravaganzas. Apparently, this was not an uncommon career path for persons of their race.
Because of our broadcast, the admirals of the navy’s High Council found themselves the targets of Public Outrage, not to mention repeatedly being invited by civilian police to “assist in criminal inquiries.” Each high admiral tried to shift the blame for the reported atrocities onto his or her colleagues, while he or she claimed to have been kept “out of the loop.” A few of the villains also managed to disappear before being apprehended by authorities. Despite such developments, Festina