Ashworth Hall - Anne Perry [164]
Gracie was downstairs again, passing the conservatory door, when she glanced sideways and saw Mr. Moynihan and Mrs. McGinley standing very close together, talking earnestly. She had no business to, but she stopped and listened.
“… but, Iona, we can’t just walk away from each other like this!” Fergal said wretchedly.
“Then how?” she asked, her face calm and sad, a stark contrast to his, which Gracie could see if she moved forward six inches. He was miserable and confused. There was almost a sulkiness about him, as though he felt not only profoundly unhappy but also aggrieved.
“Don’t you care?” he demanded, the anger coming through in a sharp note. “Is this all it means to you? You can just say good-bye without fighting for what you want or weeping when you lose it? Perhaps I want it far more than you do?” That was said with challenge. He did not want her to agree, but if she did, then he was branding her cold, without fire or dreams, without the reality of love.
“What do you want, Fergal?” she asked. “Do you really know? Is it me you want, or is it a great romance, some desperate cause to suffer for, and perhaps to excuse you from having to fight for a Protestant Ireland you no longer totally believe in?”
“Oh, don’t make that mistake,” he said, shaking his head, his eyes dark and narrow. “Don’t ever deceive yourself I don’t know what I fight for in Ireland. I’ll never change in that cause. I’ll not bend the knee to Rome, whoever I love, or lose. I’ll not sell my soul for a superstition, a set of beads and incantations, instead of the disciplines and virtues of God.”
“That’s what I thought,” she answered wearily. “And I imagine you would know I would never give up the laughter and the love, the heart’s faith of my people, in trade for the dark miseries of the north with all its anger and blame, its hellfire punishments and its vinegar-faced ministers. It is because I love you that I know it’s best we part now, while we can still keep good memories and be sorry we hurt each other, not glad. I want to remember you with a smile.”
He stood there motionless, still confounded. She had made the decision and taken it out of his hands, and that too annoyed him.
Iona looked at him for a moment longer, then turned and walked back towards the doorway to the hall.
Gracie was obliged to scuttle backwards in order to walk away with any kind of dignity, as if she had not seen them, and she heard no more. But she thought of it for the rest of the morning as she went about her duties. It was so easy to fall in love, sometimes, and so hard to give up the magic, the excitement, the color it lent to everything. But that kind of feeling did not always stand the test of honesty, of any kind of affliction except the momentary. Sometimes you stayed loyal for loyalty’s sake, not because it was what you believed. Love of love was so easy to understand. It was what Mr. Moynihan had felt, and now he was angry and hurt because it had not transformed itself into something which would last.
Mrs. McGinley could see that. She was wise enough to leave it before it was broken too far even to remember.
Maybe it was best for Gracie herself to leave Finn Hennessey when she could still think of the cold glasshouse with its chrysanthemums and the smell of his skin and the touch of his lips. Better not to know too much about the rest, and the gulf between them. Some things could not be explained. The more you know, the worse it becomes. Their imaginations had met, and perhaps that was all.
Charlotte woke up with a start. The curtains were still drawn closed, but it was obviously mid-morning. Pitt was gone, and she could hear no servants on the landing. She sat up quickly. Her head was throbbing, her mouth dry. She had slept too heavily and too long. Where on earth was Gracie, and why had nobody called her?
Then she remembered the night, Pitt coming to tell her what they had discussed, and then Justine,