At First Sight - Nicholas Sparks [86]
He said nothing about any of this to Lexie. Nor did he tell her the complete truth about ABS.
“What did you find out on the computer?” she’d asked the night before.
“Not much more than the doctor told us,” Jeremy said.
She nodded. Unlike him, she was under no illusion that knowledge would lessen her fears.
“Every time I move, I wonder if I’m doing something I shouldn’t.”
“I’m not sure that’s how it works,” he said.
She nodded again. “I’m scared,” she whispered.
Jeremy slipped his arm around her. “I am, too.”
They were led into the room, and Lexie pulled up her shirt when the technician entered. Though the technician smiled, she could sense the tension in the room and went straight to work.
The baby appeared on the screen, and the image was much clearer. They could see the baby’s features: her nose and chin, her eyelids and fingers. When Jeremy peeked at Lexie, she squeezed his hand with painful intensity.
The amniotic band, the tentacle, hadn’t attached yet. There were ten weeks to go.
“I hate waiting like this,” Lexie said. “Waiting and hoping and not knowing what’s going to happen.”
She said exactly what Jeremy was thinking, the words he refused to utter in her presence. A week had gone by since they had received the news, and although they were surviving, that’s all it seemed they could do. Survive and hope and wait. Another ultrasound was scheduled in less than two weeks.
“It’s going to be okay,” Jeremy said. “Just because the band is there doesn’t mean it’s going to attach.”
“Why me, though? Why us?”
“I don’t know. But it’s going to work out. Everything’s going to be fine.”
“How do you know that? You can’t know that. You can’t promise me that.”
No, I can’t, Jeremy thought. “You’re doing everything right,” he said instead. “You’re healthy and you eat right and you take care of yourself. I just tell myself that as long as you keep doing those things, the baby will be fine.”
“It’s just not fair,” she cried. “I mean, I know it’s petty, but when I read the papers, I always come across stories about girls who have babies when they didn’t even know they were pregnant. Or have perfectly healthy babies and abandon them. Or smoke and drink and everything turns out okay. It’s not fair. And now I can’t even enjoy the rest of the pregnancy. It’s like I wake up every day and even if I’m not thinking about it specifically, I walk around with this sense of anxiety, and then boom! It hits me all at once and I remember and I find myself thinking that something inside me might kill the baby. Me! I’m doing this. My body is doing this, and no matter how hard I want to stop it, I can’t and there’s nothing I can do.”
“It’s not your fault,” Jeremy said.
“Then whose is it? The baby’s?” she snapped. “What did I do wrong?”
It was the first time Jeremy realized that Lexie wasn’t simply frightened, but felt guilty as well. The realization made him ache.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But this thing inside me—”
“Hasn’t done anything yet,” he said gently. “And part of the reason, I’m sure, is that you’ve been doing everything right. The baby is fine. That’s all we know for sure right now. The baby’s doing great.”
Lexie whispered so softly that Jeremy barely heard her. “Do you think she’ll be okay?”
“I know she’ll be okay.”
Again, he was lying, but he couldn’t tell her the truth. Sometimes, he knew, lying was the right thing to do.
Jeremy had little experience with death. But death had been Lexie’s companion throughout her life. Not only had she lost her parents, but she’d also lost her grandfather a few years back. While Jeremy claimed to empathize, he knew he was incapable of fully understanding how hard it must have been for her. He hadn’t known her then and had no idea how she’d reacted, but he had no doubt how she would react if their baby died.
What if they went through