At First Sight - Nicholas Sparks [89]
Still, the belief in God was essentially a question of faith. Even for those, like Jeremy, who believed in the big bang theory, it said nothing about the creation of the sphere in the first place. Atheists would say the sphere was always there, those with faith might say that God created it, and there was no way ever to prove which group was right. That’s why, Jeremy figured, it was called faith.
Still, he wasn’t ready to accept that God played an active role in human events. Despite his Catholic upbringing, he didn’t believe in miracles, and he’d exposed more than one faith healer as a fraud. He didn’t believe in a God who sifted through prayers, answering some and ignoring others, no matter how unworthy or worthy a person might be. Instead, he preferred to believe in a God who bestowed all people with gifts and abilities and placed them in an imperfect world; only then was faith tested, only then could faith be earned.
His beliefs didn’t fit in with the beliefs of organized religion; when he went to Mass, he knew he did so for his mother’s benefit. His mother sometimes sensed this about him and suggested that he pray; more often than not, he said he would give it a try, but he never did. Until now.
That night, after decorating the baby’s room, Jeremy found himself on his knees, begging God to help keep his baby safe, to bless them with a healthy child. With his hands clenched together, he prayed in silence, promising to be the best father he could be. He promised to start attending Mass again, promised to make prayer a part of his daily life, promised to read the Bible from cover to cover. He asked for a sign to let him know his prayer had been heard, that his prayer would be answered. But there was nothing.
“Sometimes I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or do,” Jeremy admitted.
Doris was sitting across the table at Herbs the following day; because he hadn’t told his family, she was the one person he could confide in.
“I know she needs me to be strong, and I’m trying. I try to be optimistic, I tell her that everything’s going to turn out okay, and I do my best not to make her any more nervous than she already is. But . . .”
When he trailed off, Doris finished for him. “But it’s hard, because you’re just as frightened as she is.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to drag you into this.”
“I’m already in this,” she said. “And all I can say is that I know it’s tough, but you’re doing the right thing. Right now, she needs your support. That’s one of the reasons she married you. She knew you’d be there for her, and when we talk, she says that you’ve been a big help.”
Beyond the windows, Jeremy saw people eating on the porch, having ordinary conversations, as if they hadn’t a care in the world. But nothing was ordinary about his life anymore.
“I can’t stop thinking about it. We have another ultrasound tomorrow, and I dread it. I just keep imagining that we’ll see that the band has attached. It’s like I can see the expression on the technician’s face and I notice how quiet she gets, and I just know she’s going to tell us that we should talk to the doctor again. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about. I know Lexie’s feeling the same way. She’s been real quiet the last couple of days. It’s like the closer the ultrasound gets, the more we worry.”
“That’s normal,” Doris said.
“I’ve been praying about it,” he admitted.
Doris sighed and looked up to the ceiling, then back to Jeremy again. “Me too.”
The next day, his prayer was answered. The baby was growing, the heartbeat was strong and regular, and the band still hadn’t attached. It was good news, the doctor announced, and while both Lexie and Jeremy felt a surge of relief, the worries returned again by the time they reached the car, when they realized they would have to be back in two more weeks. And there were still eight weeks to go.
They moved into the house a couple