Atlas Shrugged [286]
The ashtray contained a cigarette butt stamped with the sign of the dollar.
"What's the matter, Miss Taggart?"
"Did he . . . did he smoke this?"
"Who?"
"Your caller-did he smoke this cigarette?"
"Why, I don't know . . . I guess so . . . yes, I think I did see him smoking a cigarette once . . . let me see . . . no, that's not my brand, so it must be his."
"Were there any other visitors in this office today?"
"No. But why, Miss Taggart? What's the matter?"
"May I take this?"
"What? The cigarette butt?" He stared at her in bewilderment.
"Yes."
"Why, sure-but what for?"
She was looking down at the butt in the palm of her hand as if it were a jewel. "I don't know . . . I don't know what good it will do me, except that it's a clue to"-she smiled bitterly-"to a secret of my own."
She stood, reluctant to leave, looking at Ken Danagger in the manner of a last look at one departing for the realm of no return.
He guessed it, smiled and extended his hand. "I won't say goodbye," he said, "because I'll see you again in the not too distant future."
"Oh," she said eagerly, holding his hand clasped across the desk, "are you going to return?"
"No. You're going to join me."
There was only a faint red breath above the structures in the darkness, as if the mills were asleep but alive, with the even breathing of the furnaces and the distant heartbeats of the conveyor belts to show it.
Rearden stood at the window of his office, his hand pressed to the pane; in the perspective of distance, his hand covered half a mile of structures, as if he were trying to hold them.
He was looking at a long wall of vertical strips, which was the battery of coke ovens. A narrow door slid open with a brief gasp of flame, and a sheet of red-glowing coke came sliding out smoothly, like a slice of bread from the side of a giant toaster. It held still for an instant, then an angular crack shot through the slice and it crumbled into a gondola waiting on the rails below.
Danagger coal, he thought. These were the only words in his mind.
The rest was a feeling of loneliness, so vast that even its own pain seemed swallowed in an enormous void.
Yesterday, Dagny had told him the story of her futile attempt and given him Danagger's message. This morning, he had heard the news that Danagger had disappeared. Through his sleepless night, then through the taut concentration on the duties of the day, his answer to the message had kept beating in his mind, the answer he would never have a chance to utter.
"The only man I ever loved." It came from Ken Danagger, who had never expressed anything more personal than "Look here, Rearden."
He thought: Why had we let it go? Why had we both been condemned -in the hours away from our desks-to an exile among dreary strangers who had made us give up all desire for rest, for friendship, for the sound of human voices? Could I now reclaim a single hour spent listening to my brother Philip and give it to Ken Danagger? Who made it our duty to accept, as the only reward for our work, the gray torture of pretending love for those who roused us to nothing but contempt?
We who were able to melt rock and metal for our purpose, why had we never sought that which we wanted from men?
He tried to choke the words in his mind, knowing that it was useless to think of them now. But the words were there and they were like words addressed to the dead: No, I don't damn you for leaving-if that is the question and the pain which you took away with you. Why didn't you give me a chance to tell you . . . what? that I approve?
. . . no, but that I can neither blame you nor follow you.
Closing his eyes, he permitted himself to experience for a moment the immense relief he would feel if he, too, were to walk off, abandoning everything. Under the shock of his loss, he felt a thin thread of envy. Why didn't they come for me, too, whoever they are, and give me that irresistible reason which would make me go? But in the next moment, his shudder of anger told him that he would murder the man who'd attempt to approach him,