Atlas Shrugged - Ayn Rand [198]
“No,” he said slowly, “I wouldn’t understand it.”
“It’s really very simple. If you tell a beautiful woman that she is beautiful, what have you given her? It’s no more than a fact and it has cost you nothing. But if you tell an ugly woman that she is beautiful, you offer her the great homage of corrupting the concept of beauty. To love a woman for her virtues is meaningless. She’s earned it, it’s a payment, not a gift. But to love her for her vices is a real gift, unearned and undeserved. To love her for her vices is to defile all virtue for her sake—and that is a real tribute of love, because you sacrifice your conscience, your reason, your integrity and your invaluable self-esteem.”
He looked at her blankly. It sounded like some sort of monstrous corruption that precluded the possibility of wondering whether anyone could mean it; he wondered only what was the point of uttering it.
“What’s love, darling, if it’s not self-sacrifice?” she went on lightly, in the tone of a drawing-room discussion. “What’s self-sacrifice, unless one sacrifices that which is one’s most precious and most important? But I don’t expect you to understand it. Not a stainless-steel Puritan like you. That’s the immense selfishness of the Puritan. You’d let the whole world perish rather than soil that immaculate self of yours with a single spot of which you’d have to be ashamed.”
He said slowly, his voice oddly strained and solemn, “I have never claimed to be immaculate.”
She laughed. “And what is it you’re being right now? You’re giving me an honest answer, aren’t you?” She shrugged her naked shoulders. “Oh, darling, don’t take me seriously! I’m just talking.”
He ground his cigarette into an ashtray; he did not answer.
“Darling,” she said, “I actually came here only because I kept thinking that I had a husband and I wanted to find out what he looked like.”
She studied him as he stood across the room, the tall, straight, taut lines of his body emphasized by the single color of the dark blue pajamas.
“You’re very attractive,” she said. “You look so much better—these last few months. Younger. Should I say happier? You look less tense. Oh, I know you’re rushed more than ever and you act like a commander in an air raid, but that’s only the surface. You’re less tense—inside.”
He looked at her, astonished. It was true; he had not known it, had not admitted it to himself. He wondered at her power of observation. She had seen little of him in these last few months. He had not entered her bedroom since his return from Colorado. He had thought that she would welcome their isolation from each other. Now he wondered what motive could have made her so sensitive to a change in him—unless it was a feeling much greater than he had ever suspected her of experiencing.
“I was not aware of it,” he said.
“It’s quite becoming, dear—and astonishing, since you’ve been having such a terribly difficult time.”
He wondered whether this was intended as a question. She paused, as if waiting for an answer, but she did not press it and went on gaily:
“I know you’re having all sorts of trouble at the mills—and then the political situation is getting to be ominous, isn’t it? If they pass those laws they’re talking about, it will hit you pretty hard, won’t it?”
“Yes. It will. But that is a subject which is of no interest to you, Lillian, is it?”
“Oh, but it is!” She raised her head and looked straight at him; her eyes had the blank, veiled look he had seen before, a look of deliberate mystery and of confidence in his inability to solve it. “It is of great interest to me ... though not because of any possible financial losses,” she added softly.
He wondered, for the first time, whether her spite, her sarcasm, the cowardly manner of delivering insults under the protection of a smile, were not the opposite of what he had always taken them to be—not a method of torture, but a twisted form of despair, not a desire to make him suffer, but a confession of her own pain, a defense for the pride of an unloved wife, a secret plea—so that the subtle, the