Awakening the Buddha Within _ Eight Steps to Enlightenment - Lama Surya Das [62]
We all have so many random thoughts and concerns, it can seem as though the air around our heads is filled with flak rather than just clouds, space, and light. Dharma teachers sometimes refer to the stream of consciousness of a person with an untrained mind (most of us, much of the time) as a continuous stream of delusion. This continuous stream is built up through years (or lifetimes) of deeply confused habitual and distorted thinking. We think so much, yet we truly know and understand so very little.
The dramatized encounter between Ted and Naomi points out how most of us tend to run fantasy scenarios in our heads—all the time. Ted and Naomi are basically decent, kind people, but at this moment, they are both thinking only of themselves. Ted is worried that he is not successful enough to really attract a woman. Naomi is anxious that Ted may never call her, and she remembers difficulties with an old boyfriend. As benign as Ted and Naomi’s thoughts may be, they also reveal how self-absorbed we are most of the time—even when we think we’re not.
Consider how self-absorption rules everyone’s thoughts and intentions. When we watch the president on television talking about taxes, don’t we think: “What does this mean for me?” We hear that a new shopping mall is going up, and we immediately think about it in terms of our interests—our property values, traffic patterns, and consumer needs. Everything is seen through the filter of our own personal concerns. The first question we often ask ourselves: Is it good or bad for me and mine? Even when we are doing something for others, don’t we often expect something out of it for ourselves?
A Tibetan saying is that thoughts and concepts are delusions; awareness is wisdom. Self-absorption acts as a veil of delusion that distorts everything. Many people bring preconceived notions of themselves to everything they do, even if they don’t acknowledge it to themselves. If our thoughts reflect insecurity, we don’t typically think of them as self-involved. For example: “I’m not good enough” or “Nobody understands me” or “Why does this always happen to me?” or “How come the other person has all the luck?” Just because you’re not thinking, “I’m the best, the most terrific, the best looking, the smartest, etcetera,” doesn’t mean that you’re not involved with your ego. Examples of egotism can be subtle and more slippery than a wet bar of soap. Self-denial, for example, is just one more inverted form of egotism.
It’s often tempting to use our thoughts to make ourselves feel okay about what we are going to do anyway, rationalizing all sorts of crookedness through self-justification. We drink the extra drink, then drive home, telling ourselves that it doesn’t really matter this time, and that we won’t do it again. We cut corners in business deals or cheat on taxes and rationalize away any guilty feelings. I’ve certainly made excuses to myself in order to do things I want to do and to be where I want to be. Haven’t you? Haven’t you dredged up seemingly sensible or noble-sounding reasons for questionable behavior? Haven’t you told yourself it really doesn’t matter, when you know very well that it does? We all have. Let’s not fool ourselves. How can we learn instead to approach the world with pure intentions and an open honest awareness? We will be a lot happier and less care-worn if and when we can do so.
Can we admit it when we are being selfish, or do we pretend and hope it goes away—which of course it never does, since we constantly reinforce that habitual pattern. Can we acknowledge the costly downside to our self-absorption? Some men and women complain loudly about not being able to “connect” with others. Yet they sometimes seem so narcissistic and self-absorbed that it would be difficult for them to connect with almost anyone. Instead of seeing “the other,” aren’t they relating primarily to their own illusory needs and egocentric projections?
To embody the Dharma, we have to learn to let go of self-deception and be honest with ourselves as well as the rest of the world. This