Awakening the Buddha Within _ Eight Steps to Enlightenment - Lama Surya Das [80]
As a seeker, you have probably already wrestled with the problems connected to outright lying; in all likelihood, you’ve made an appropriate decision not to be evasive or indulge in direct falsehoods or deceitful, manipulative statements. We all agree that outright lying is counterproductive. But as we walk further along the spiritual path, chances are we will each arrive at checkpoints where the subtleties of truth come into play. We may discover time after time that it’s difficult to be clear and forthright in everything we say, and we may find ourselves compromising and shading the truth. Instead of saying what we know is true, for example, we say things that others want to hear. Or we say things that we want to hear—and believe.
When we don’t want to appear weak or vulnerable, we say things that make us look strong and powerful. When we don’t want others to think we are out of control, we use words to control what others do. It’s very easy to spot the manipulations of the spin doctors from Madison Avenue or Washington, D.C.; it’s more complex when we create our own egotistical advertising campaigns. Yet this is what we do all the time by presenting ourselves as we would like to appear and hiding behind the stories we tell ourselves and others to get what we think we want. All this only serves to create false personas that leave us feeling incomplete and alienated from our authentic selves.
Don’t you sometimes use words to distance others and protect your true feelings? Haven’t you ever told people that you were feeling “fine” even when you were depressed and sad? We don’t always use words to communicate from our hearts and then we expect others to be mind readers. Sometimes we even tell ourselves stories. “I don’t eat so many sweets,” we say to ourselves as we reach again into the bag of cookies. “I’m not really lying to Miranda,” we think as we make up a plausible excuse to break an appointment. “It doesn’t really matter,” we reassure ourselves, even when we know it matters a great deal.
Everyone says that communication and mutual understanding is the essence of good relationships. And nowhere are the subtleties of honest speech more apparent than in our personal relationships. However, as much as we may want to express ourselves authentically with words that reflect love, warmth, and openness, we don’t always manage to do it. Our expectations get in the way and distort the picture; so do our desires, fears, illusions, and projections. That’s why we all regularly need to stop and ask ourselves if we are moving in the direction of more honesty, or not.
I often speak to people who tell me they are unhappy because their loved ones don’t seem to be listening to what they have to say. They feel invalidated and as though their opinions are being disregarded. But when these people delve a little bit deeper below the surface of their complaints, they often realize they are failing to express their feelings and wishes in a clear and direct manner. When we withhold our true feelings, protect our emotions, and construct false personas to present to the world, we become part of the problem.
Reality—seeing things just as they are—is a central issue of Buddhist practice. Pure attention, unclouded by distortion or delusion, knows things exactly as they are, in the present moment. We bring Right Speech into our relationships by trying always to be honest and forthright and by letting go of our intricate defense systems and being truthful and open about who we are and how we feel.
As part of awareness practice involving Right Speech, try listening to yourself so you can hear how