Barney's Version - Mordecai Richler [110]
shells. Yes, I know. But he likes them. No, I wouldn’t. Or the oysters, honestly. I had to tell him to move the bread away from me or I’d eat the whole basket, and the butter, it’s from Normandy, and it melts in your mouth. Then we both had the duck, and crêpes for dessert. Oh, I don’t know, but it was red and cost him plenty, not that he’d complain about it, but he sure impressed the wine waiter, who looked at us at first like he’d smelled something bad. Yes, with his coffee and cigar. Cognac, a special one, no two. They wheel over this huge wagon full of bottles. No, they don’t heat the snifters here. Yes, but Ruby Foo’s isn’t the be-all and end-all, and nowhere I’ve been in Paris do they heat the glasses. Yes, two is what he had, I said. What? Yeah, I’ll tell him, but it’s not like he had to drive us home and we are on our honeymoon. Enjoy? Right. It can lead to what in middle age? Gwan. Dr. Seligman told you that? Really? Well, that’s certainly not his problem so far, knock wood. What do you mean, you’re offended? I’m a married woman now. It’s allowed. Yes, Maw. Sure. Well, I shook him awake at seven, then I brushed my teeth and washed my hair and, guess what, we showered together, don’t tell Daddy, he’d be shocked. And I’ll bet you’re blushing right now. Only kidding. You should see the bathrobes we’ve got here, and the soaps are from Lanvin. Yeah, sure I will. In fact I’ve already stuffed three bars for you into one of my suitcases, which reminds me I’d better buy another one today for my new things. Maw, I know Uncle Herky could get it for me wholesale, but I happen to need it here and now. I’m not being impatient. I’m not raising my voice. You’re imagining. What? Yes, the waist is back and I’ve still got mine. I am not being snarky. How many times do I have to tell you that you have a terrific figure for a mature woman. It’s from Dior. Yeah, I wore it this morning. Boy, did I ever turn lots of heads. It’s pale blue shantung pleats with a cape collar, and over it I wore my new coat, it’s a Chanel, a cardigan, nubby beige wool piped with navy blue silk. I’ll wear it to the temple on Rosh Hashanah, Arlene will die on the spot. And wait till you see my shoes and the handbag that goes with. You tell Daddy he’s spoiling me rotten, but I’m not complaining. Don’t say a word, but I bought him a silk foulard at Hermès and pearl cufflinks and a shirt at Cardin, and I’m not saying what I got you, but I think you’ll be pleased. Maw, I swear I’m not being sarcastic about your figure. I’m sure most women your age envy you. No, I didn’t forget Jewel or Irving. That wouldn’t be ‘just like me.’ I’m getting everything on your list. Maw, stop it. Nobody will be sending photographs to Rabbi Hornstein. Of course we lock the door before we get into the shower together, but it’s not a criminal offence in this day and age. There’s nothing wrong with taking pleasure in our bodies. Yes yes yes. I know you have my best interests at heart, but let’s not get into that one, please. I did not accuse you of nagging. What do you mean it’s in my tone of voice? Don’t start. Oh, Barney saw an item in the Herald-Tribune that the Canadiens might be trading Doug Harvey, and he wants to know if it’s true. I know you never read the sports pages, but it wouldn’t hurt you to look it up. Maw, I can’t tell you how beautiful it is here. What? That’s not true. I am not suggesting that Montreal is ugly. Boy, are you ever touchy today. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were getting your period. I am not being snide. I know it will happen to me too one day, and when it does, I hope I will be more accepting than you are. There you go again. It’s the only voice I have, and if you don’t care for the tone I guess I’d better hang up right now. Okay, okay. I apologize. No, he hates shopping, but of course we met for lunch. What? It’s called the Brasserie Lipp. He had the choucroute, they’re famous for it. No, wait, he started with oysters. Maw, I didn’t. But, to be honest, it wasn’t on religious principle. I had the hard-boiled egg with mayonnaise and the salmon with