Barney's Version - Mordecai Richler [125]
“It’s only a couple of miles from here, maybe three. I’m perfectly capable.”
I should have insisted.
11
Jeremy Katz
Chairperson
CRAP
PO Box 124
Montreal, Quebec
Oct. 18, 1992
The Clara Charnofsky
Foundation for Wimyn
615 Lexington Ave.
New York, N.Y.
U.S.A.
Dear Personhoods,
Hi, there. I’m writing to apply for a grant on behalf of CRAP (Chaps Resolutely Against Prejudice), but, before I get into that, I should tell you something about our organization, little me, and my significant other.
My resource person, Georgina, of whom I am very proud, is the only female member of the Montreal Police Force SWAT team. A position she attained in spite of being situationally disadvantaged, the subject of whistles, ogling, and other gender-based harassment. Only last week, in fact, as she left Station 10 in her civvies (a bodyform jersey, micro-skirt, black mesh pantyhose, and stiletto-heel shoes), the duty officer wiggled his eyebrows and exclaimed, “Hey, do you ever look great tonight, Georgy.”
I am the one who keeps the home fires burning, looking after our two children, Oscar and Radclyffe. I adore Georgina, but she can be a trial on occasion. After work Georgina can meet somebody at Sappho’s Cellar, her favourite watering-hole, and invite her home to dinner without phoning me first. I really don’t mind, but I do dislike being surprised in my frumpy housecleaning clothes. I would appreciate a warning phone call and an opportunity to change into something more soigné, never mind not to be caught with paper napkins on our table.
Late yesterday afternoon, Georgina phoned to say she wouldn’t be home for dinner. It seemed that two wimyn patrol-persons at Station 10, Brunhilde Mueller and Helene Dionne, had decided to tie the knot, setting up a household together. So all the wimyn at the station had organized a doe party, having booked a couple of tables at cox, a male strip joint east of the Main. And so I sat down to enjoy a rare treat, the morning newspaper. And there, on the front page of the sports section, was a photograph of Mike Tyson, the convicted rapist, who would soon be in pursuit of the heavyweight boxing crown again, and that’s what gave me my brain wave.
This morning I set out my best Irish linen tablecloth, and invited all of the CRAP executive to my kitchen for tea and sugar-free cookies.
I hate to toot my own horn, but the truth is they greeted my brain wave with squeals of enthusiasm. So there it is. Put plainly, wouldn’t it be simply magnifico if Mike Tyson, that violator of womankind, that embarrassment to visible-minority persons everywhere, could be challenged and beaten for the heavyweight title by a womyn contender. Surely, this would be a LANDMARK in HERSTORY. With this in mind, CRAP is willing to undertake a coast-to-coast search for just such a womyn contender. But our financial resources are limited, and that’s why we are applying to The Clara Charnofsky Foundation for Wimyn for a $50,000 grant, to add to whatever we earn through bake sales and bingo nights. You can share in creating the first Womyn Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World. How about that?
CRAP eagerly awaits your response.
Sincerely yours,
JEREMY KATZ
for CRAP
12
Bored, I picked up my office phone in time to hear our receptionist say, “Good afternoon. Totally Unnecessary Productions Limited.”
“May I speak to Barney Panofsky, please?”
“Who’s calling?”
“Miriam Greenberg.”
“If you are an actress, Mr. Panofsky prefers that you send a letter.”
“Will you just tell him that Miriam Greenberg is on the line, please?”
“I will see if he’s available.”
“Miriam, are you in Montreal?”
“Toronto.”
“What a coincidence. I’m going to be in Toronto tomorrow. How about dinner?”
“You’re impossible, Barney. I’m calling because your gift arrived yesterday.”
“Oh.”
“How dare you be so familiar.”
“You’re right. I shouldn’t have done it. But I happened to see it in Holt Renfrew’s window and I thought of you immediately.”
“I’ve sent it back.