Barney's Version - Mordecai Richler [63]
“What are her qualifications?” asked Serge.
“She’s literate. And, unlike any of you here, suffers from good taste. So, arguably, she’s overqualified, but my mind’s made up. Now look here, our problem is not Solange, but hackneyed story lines. How about something unpredictable for a change? Say, an ignoble Eskimo. Or an ostensibly sage Indian medicine man who makes his predictions based on The Farmer’s Almanack? Hey, I’ve got it. Now that Sikh RCMP recruits are allowed to wear turbans, how about a new RCMP corporal, a Jew who wears a yarmulke, accepts bribes, and bargains at the Hudson’s Bay store? Now scoot, all of you, and I want to see some fresh scripts soon. Like yesterday.”
Chantal lingered behind. “I’m afraid they’re right about Solange.”
“Of course they’re right, but she’s your mother, for Christ’s sake, and she’ll drive us both crazy if she isn’t acting. That’s all she lives for. You know that.”
“Are you really going to ask her to direct?”
“Don’t try to anticipate me. Oh, and Chantal, I really can’t bring myself to read any of those scripts. You’re the one who’s going to have to do it for me. And would you please ask Gabe for those photographs,” I said, avoiding her gaze. “I think I’d better have another look.”
Next I started on the in-tray of unsolicited mail that Chantal had left me.
Dacca
Sept. 21, 1995
Sir,
With great respect I beg to state I shall remain ever grateful if you yourself kindly read and respond to my following humble appeal. I am Khandakar Shahtyer Sultan, a Bangladeshi student. I lost my mother in her childhood and since then I had to strugle much. Despite much problem I have got graduation degree in English studies from Dacca University.
I have been desirous and trying much for many years to go to Canada or such any country to study the art of television, which in you excel. But I am undone. I have none here to help me to go abroad.
So I have been writing to many great persons like you in different countries for some help. I’d like to study in your country if you can convince a University or some quarter for a scholarship and it would be best for me. If you like I shall stay with your family and serve you as possible.
If you are not able to do so, yet kindly send me some donation ($50 or $100 or as is possible) for the collection of necessary money in order to go to Canada for education. Many have sent me some and thus I have collected much. I hope I will be able to collect necessary money soon and my dream will come true. So don’t forget to send some.
If you send bank-note or draft cheque, make the envelope untransparent send it with guaranteed mail. Account No. 20784, Sonali Bank, Dilusha Branch, Dacca. Or INTERNATIONAL MONEY ORDER is the best way.
I am awaiting your kind response. I beg your pardon for any wrong.
Sincerely,
KHANDAKAR SHAHTYER SULTAN
Totally Unnecessary Productions Ltd.
1300 Sherbrooke St. West
Montreal, QUE H3G 1J4 Canada
Oct. 5, 1995
From the Desk of Barney Panofsky
Dear Mr. Sultan,
I have, as requested, sent an international money order for $200 in an untransparent envelope, to Account No. 20784, Sonali Bank, Dilusha Branch, Dacca.
I have also discussed your case with the incomparably rich Professor Blair Hopper, Victoria College, University of Toronto, Toronto, Ont., Canada, and he is eager to hear from you.
However, it would be best if you did not mention my name in your correspondence with the esteemed professor.
Sincerely,
BARNEY PANOFSKY
P.S. The professor’s home phone number is 416 819 2427 and he won’t mind if you call collect at any hour of the day or night.
There was also a letter from The Great Antonio. “LIVING LEGEND GREATEST OF THE GREAT HUMAN STRENGTH AT 510 LBS., 225 KILOS, STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD. PREHISTORIC MAN STRONG LIKE 10 HORSES. PULLING 4 BUSES TIED TOGETHER WITH A CHAIN, WEIGHT 70 TONS FOR 2200 FEET IN FRONT OF N.B.C. TELEVISION. OVER FIVE MILLION PEOPLE CAME TO SEE THE GREAT ANTONIO