Bastard Out of Carolina - Dorothy Allison [112]
“Aunt Raylene.” I turned my head to look up at her again, ready to try and persuade her that I wasn’t really drunk. Her expression stopped me. She was looking down at my panties where they draped my left shoe, the brown stains in the seat showing clearly in the bright light. She pulled me back a little, and her left hand lifted my skirt. I tried to push it back down with my numb fingers, but she had a good grip.
“Sweet suffering Jesus!”
A shock went right through me. Suddenly I was terrified, unreasonably, horribly terrified.
“No,” I begged. “No, please.” But the door was open. She was pulling me out. I hung back, but she was unstoppable. She pushed me into Deedee’s empty bedroom.
“Earle,” Aunt Raylene was yelling. “Earle, come here. You and Beau, you come here.”
“No.” I said it again. “Please, please.”
“Be quiet, Bone. An’t nobody gonna hurt you. I swear to you, an’t nobody ever gonna hurt you again.”
Earle pushed through the door. “Raylene, what you yelling about? The kids are asleep upstairs, and you’re yelling loud enough to scare people in the next county.”
Raylene whirled on him. “Shut up and look at this.”
She turned me around and flipped my skirt up. I started to stutter. “No, no.”
“Damn.” Earle’s voice was soft, and scarier than I could have ever imagined. I wrapped my fingers around the back of my neck, dropped my head, and shook all over.
“Leave me alone,” I begged. My panties were still tangled on my left shoe.
“Hush, hush.” Aunt Raylene’s arms wrapped around me like a blanket. She sat on the bed and pulled me up on her lap. “Hush.”
Earle was gone. The door opened again, and Nevil and Beau were there.
“It true?” Beau demanded. “That son of a bitch beat her bloody?”
“Like a dog,” Raylene told him. “Child’s striped all the way down to her knees.” She pulled my panties free of my shoe and threw them at him. “I’d kill him.” She said it in a very matter-of-fact tone that made me believe her.
“No,” I moaned.
“Shit!” Nevil’s voice was barely recognizable. There was a scream from down the hall, a loud crashing noise, and Earle’s voice shouting, “I’ll murder you, you son of a bitch!” Nevil and Beau turned together.
“No,” I pleaded. “Aunt Raylene, please!” But she just held me tight. I turned, started punching her, trying to get free. Mama’s arms came around me so suddenly I almost stopped breathing.
“Mama! I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“Hush, Bone.” Her voice sounded just like Raylene’s had. “Just hush, baby. It’s all right.” Still terrified, I clung to her. Thudding, crashing sounds were coming from the front. They had gone out on the porch. Raylene stood with her back to the bedroom door, her arms crossed over her breasts, as if she expected us to try and fight her to get out. Mama just held me and whispered again, “It’s all right.”
After a few minutes, Raylene came over and sat beside us. “Anney.” Her voice was husky. “Anney, did he beat you too? Tell me, did he hurt you?”
“Glen would never hurt me, Raylene. You know that.” Mama pressed her mouth to the top of my head. “He’d never raise a hand to me.” She sighed and hung her head.
“Oh, Anney.” Raylene reached for Mama’s hands, but Mama pulled away.
“Don’t touch me. Don’t.” Mama almost spit. She drew me closer to her. I was shaking in her arms, and she was shaking too. “Oh God, Raylene. I’m so ashamed. I couldn’t stop him, and then ... I don’t know.” Her head bobbed up and down. When she spoke again her voice was fierce, desperate. “He loves her. He does. He loves us all. I don’t know. I don’t know. Oh God. Raylene, I love him. I know you’ll hate me. Sometimes I hate myself, but I love him. I love him.”
I looked up. Mama’s eyes were deep and glittery. Her mouth was open, her lips drawn back from her teeth, her neck muscles high and rigid. Her chin went up and down as if she wanted to cry but couldn’t. “I’ve just wanted it to be all right,” she whispered. “For so long, I’ve just hoped and prayed, dreamed and pretended. I’ve hung on, just hung on.