Battle Cry - Leon Uris [84]
They drove through the dark tree-bound roads and climbed toward an isolated little hill where lovers often went.
Gib, Nort, Elaine, Eliot, Ski…that damn crazy San Diego…the damn cursing barracks, he thought. I’ve been trying to find the right answer to all this but I’ve let myself slip further and further from her. Maybe it isn’t love, maybe I don’t know what it is, but I know the feeling inside me now. Maybe I’m afraid—that could be it. I’m afraid of the unknown and I’ve got to take her with me into it. Could needing her this way be love? All the thinking doesn’t seem to make sense now…her breathing is hard and I can feel her leaning up against me. We’ve been here before, but not like this….
The purr of the motor growled a little as the car shifted into second. A muffled voice spoke on the radio. A warm breeze rustled the trees and a quarter moon floated from behind a cloud to turn a dim golden light on the windshield.
The car stopped and he turned off the radio.
They were in each other’s arms, exchanging kisses and caresses quietly, their faces pressed together. He felt her tears on his cheek.
(It’s no use. It’s no use trying to think any more. I can’t help myself…I can’t speak…anything. I love him…I can’t stop myself.)
He held her tightly and the only words were her name over and over.
(Why can’t I tell you? Why can’t I say I’ve thought about this till it has nearly driven me crazy? Can it be true that you want me now like I’ve wanted you? Why don’t you stop me? Kathy, stop me…stop me…I don’t want to hurt you….)
His arm reached over her shoulders and his hand went beneath her blouse. She closed her eyes as he touched her breast.
“Danny, Danny, I do love you! Please, darling…”
For a moment they calmed, tottering on the brink, as their flashing thoughts tried to stabilize their mounting passion. Then, all reason was drowned in a surging swell of feeling.
Good God, it’s no use fighting….
His hand traced the line of her hips and slid down her thigh and he reached beneath her skirt. She raised her body to him so they were crushed against each other. Slowly he lowered her down on the seat of the car.
“Kathy….”
“It’s all right, darling, it’s all right.”
His body became rigid. She could feel his muscles straining and quivering as he clenched his teeth and his fists, then shook his head. He sat bolt upright, grasped the steering wheel, and flicked on the radio.
The sweat poured off his body. It took several moments for his breathing to return to normal. The spell had been shattered. Calmly he reached for a cigarette. “I’m sorry Kathy, I didn’t mean to…go that far.”
She leaned against the opposite door, curled away from him. Her eyes were misty. “I suppose you think I’m…no good.”
“Don’t say that…don’t ever say that. Don’t you know how I feel about you? It was my fault. I should have my teeth kicked out.” He took a long puff of his smoke. “We were just carried away, we’ll just have to be more careful. I’m sorry, Kathy.”
“I’m not,” she whispered.
He turned, amazed. “When you went away,” she said, “I didn’t really know how I felt. I suppose I was selfish. I didn’t want to give you up. Maybe it was the glamour of it. I don’t know…but when you were gone I felt something inside me that I never felt before. Something eating away at me all the time. All I knew was that I wanted you back—all I could think of was you. Maybe…maybe we’re awfully young, maybe we don’t know what love is. I only know that when a girl feels the way I do…if it isn’t loving someone, then no girl was ever in love.”
She turned her eyes away from him. He wanted to reach out once more and take her in his arms, but he knew he dare not touch her again.
“Can’t you see? We haven’t any right…Kathy, do you think I love you so little that I’d do anything to hurt you?”
She stiffened