Becoming Madame Mao - Anchee Min [110]
Like a bug who throws himself into the fire, Tan gets up and starts to swear. Shame!
Mao clenches his teeth. A cigarette breaks between his fingers. When he speaks again, his voice has a strange throaty sound as if coming up with phlegm. It's fine with me that you choose to turn yourself into a reactionary. Fine with me that you make yourself an enemy of the people. What can I do? Thirty-three years ago I saved the army because the army was ready to be saved. Am I right, Premier Zhou?
Premier Zhou and the old boys lower their heads. Mao stirs the memory of the past, of the horror without his leadership, of three fourths of the Red Army destroyed in months, of the shame of the Party's misconduct by men including Premier Zhou himself, and of how Mao single-handedly turned defeat into victory.
***
The seventeen-year-old Nah stands in front of her mother.
Tea or turtle broth? the mother asks.
I don't want to talk about my marriage. The daughter puts down her bag.
Do I have the right to learn the young man's name? The mother's voice is high-pitched.
Call him Comrade Tai. He's twenty-eight years old.
Are you aware that he is a low-ranking officer?
I thought that every human being created under the sky of Mao is equal.
Would you sit down?
No.
Well, have you ever questioned the reason why he gets no promotion?
He is retiring.
You mean dropping out.
Whatever.
I hope he is not going back to the village.
Well, he is and I am going with him.
The mother's breath halts. She tries to control herself. After a long pause she manages to ask where the place is.
A village in Ninxia Province.
Ninxia? The ghost place?...You are doing this to me ... Why?
The daughter keeps her mouth shut.
The mother breathes deeply as if she will pass out if she stops. What ... what did your father say?
He blessed me and said that he would be behind me even if I chose to enter a monastery.
A choke takes hold of the mother. She begins to cough.
The daughter fetches a cup of water and goes to give it to her.
Heartless! The mother pushes her away and yells, banging her chest. Heartless!
You haven't presented me with the in-laws. Who are they?
The daughter makes no reply.
Nah!
I am not going to answer your question when I know that you are going to insult me.
Well then, I will have to put up a protest at your wedding.
There will be no wedding, Mother. We have ... The daughter turns away and looks out the window. We have already married and I can get it for you if you would like to see a copy of our registration.
Stunned, the mother gets up, goes to the wall and begins to bang her head.
We are leaving for Wunin tomorrow. The daughter watches her mother and trembles in tears. After a while the scene becomes unbearable. Without saying a word, the daughter leaves.
The mother curls into a ball at the corner of the wall. She then crawls over the floor and onto the sofa, suffocating herself with a pillow.
I am trying to close my eyes on Nah, but I am unable to. Regret is eating my heart alive. I wish I had tied her shoelaces, packed her lunches and made her skirts when she was a little girl. I wish I had given her birthday parties and invited her friends to our home. I wish I had spent more time talking to her and learning to help with her troubles. But all is too late and out of control. She must be so lonely and desperate to marry herself off as a way out. She wants to punish me. She wants me to witness how she destroys her future—my future. I used to think that being Mao's daughter was Nah's biggest fortune ... Have I taken out my anger toward my mother on my daughter—neglecting her the way I was neglected? I've abandoned my own wish to be a good mother.
And I hear my heart's