Becoming Madame Mao - Anchee Min [40]
I have no friends in Shanghai who can be my witnesses.
Are you still in touch with Yu Qiwei?
Before I reply, he tells me that Yu Qiwei has recently arrived in Yenan from Beijing.
I am suddenly stirred. It takes me a moment to ask if Kang Sheng knows how Yu Qiwei has been doing.
He is doing fine, Kang Sheng replies. He has changed his name from Yu Qiwei to Huang Jing and is the Party's general secretary in charge of the entire northwest area. In fact, Comrade Lan Ping, Yu Qiwei can be a good person to help you build your history. Seeing me a bit confused and lost in a moment of memory he advises, Come on, let the past be past. He takes off his glasses and looks right into me. Did you pay attention when I said the word "build"?
So I understand.
I am grateful, Kang Sheng Ge. I call him "big brother" in Shandong dialect.
No trouble, he replies. Keep me posted. And forget Yu Qiwei.
From that moment on Kang Sheng and I become friends. The friendship quickly turns into a partnership. He is probably the only person in my life I have trusted completely. Decades later my secret-keeper decides to make a ring for my neck—when I become his boss and am about to step onto the throne, he fires a fatal bullet behind my back.
He is on his deathbed then. Colon cancer in its last stage. And he wants to drag me down with him. He wants to punish me for not putting him in the big-brother position which he expects and thinks he deserves. I refuse to make Comrade Kang Sheng the chairman of the Communist Party because I intend to take the position myself. I have earned my right.
I don't think I owe Kang Sheng. We have been each other's steppingstones when crossing Mao's river. We are even.
As history reveals itself in the official documents Kang Sheng wrote nothing in his will but eight characters. They read, Madame Mao Jiang Ching is a traitor. I suggest: Immediate elimination.
But in Yenan as the partnership begins to form he looks at the beauty with a pimp's eye—he is in it for a good-deal profit.
***
I am aware of my feelings toward Yu Qiwei. Although I have long stopped pursuing him, I would be lying to say that I don't care anymore. I write him. I keep him posted of my whereabouts. It is something I can't help. A ghost hand writes for me. In those moments I am scared of myself.
For the rest of his life Yu Qiwei never demonstrates his feelings toward me. He never utters a word about our past. He avoids me by being extremely polite. He lets me feel his wall. The distance he places between us. I have to admire him. He is a man of determination. He makes up his mind and carries it out. He doesn't answer my letters. Not once.
He is doing well and has become powerful. I am not surprised at his achievement. He is unlike Tang Nah. Tang Nah makes me appreciate Yu Qiwei, makes me regret what I did to him. I should have endured the loneliness. But how could I know that he would come out alive while others of his status were killed?
I am curious about Yu Qiwei's feelings. I want to know if he ever misses me. We were part of each other's youth. It can't be erased.
I locate Yu Qiwei. He is in Yenan's hotel for outer-state officers. I am sure he is aware of the effort I made to see him. Yet he is cold when receiving me. He makes me feel that I am bothering him. He keeps his official smile. Sit down, Comrade Lan Ping. Tea? Towel? He asks what he can do for me.
He is a mature-looking man now. Very sure of himself. His confidence makes me crazy. I am in pain to see him. He makes me feel like I am a prostitute trying to make a sale. I remember who he was. I remember the way he liked to be made love to.
We are so close, sitting inches away yet oceans apart. I don't see myself in his eyes. A mosquito's eyelash maybe. He doesn't want me there. He gives me a tired look to show me that his fire has long since died. He tells me without words that I should stop embarrassing myself.
It makes me angry. Makes me want to win. Win hard, win big, win to prove that