Becoming Madame Mao - Anchee Min [58]
Mao makes laws but he doesn't expect himself to be disciplined by them. In mid-1938, stories of his betrayal of Zi-zhen spread widely. Mao's partners, Zhou En-lai and Zhu De, advise him to put a stop to his affair with the Shanghai actress and go back to his wife.
My lover continues to see me regardless of the pressure. I am a monk without hair—I am the law—he says. Our affair is fueled by the force to break us. Mao is a rebel by nature. In me he finds his role. Nevertheless I know what I am risking. I am nobody in Yenan. I could be removed any time in the name of the revolution.
So I run from the trouble. I move back to the barracks. I don't wait to be "assigned" to a remote post. I have already learned the style of punishment within the Communist Party. I take action before the Politburo seizes me. I must make my lover work for his pleasure. Our love has to be put to the test.
The girl leaves Mao a letter saying that his career and reputation are all that matter to her. The Chairman tries to keep his composure, but gradually his strain shows—he has a hard time performing his job. His feet were burned by the foot-warmer stove and his curtains caught the candle flames. He has been losing his temper in Politburo meetings. His decisions are not sound. He often beats the table with his fists. He complains that documents are too messy and telegrams don't make sense—he is not himself anymore.
She doesn't go back. She wants him to go on. She wants him to see her in every corner, in his tea cup, on his maps and telegrams. Later on he tells her that he saw more. He saw her inside his young general's mosquito net. During those days, his chest swelled. The ache was pushing out everything else that was there.
***
One night when the wind is strong with furious gusts, my lover drops himself at my door. I tell him that I have made up my mind never to see him again.
Please stop coming, I say.
He is quiet. After a while he asks me to take a walk with him.
I refuse.
He starts walking.
I hesitate, then my feet follow him.
The riverbank path leads them into deep reeds. After a half mile she suddenly pivots, says that she can't go on, that she has to leave. Like a lion to a deer he catches her and picks her up from the ground. She struggles to free herself. He becomes intense. His hands tear at her uniform.
You can't do that! She pushes him. Not anymore!
But she opens herself. Leans over him, lies in his arms. She spreads her legs, weeps and melts in his heat. He caresses her, murmurs, groans and wails madly. She lets her body tell him how much she misses him.
Everyone expects me to be a stone Buddha without desire or feelings, he gasps on top of her. My comrades would like me better if I were a eunuch. But I am a tiger who can't be a vegetarian!
***
1938. Mao is finally acknowledged by Moscow. In September the Communist Party opens its sixth convention with Mao as the chairman. The Russian advisor shows up and announces the abandonment of Stalin's old friend Wang Ming, Mao's rival and the head of the Party's right-wing group. The advisor pronounces Mao Moscow's new partner.
The news hits my friend Kang Sheng as a surprise—he has been a loyal follower of Wang Ming. They were classmates in Russia. After coming to Yenan Kang Sheng has tried hard to gain Mao's trust, but people haven't forgotten his past. On September 14, in an extended meeting investigating Wang Ming, Kang Sheng's name is repeatedly brought up as Wang's partner in several political crimes. The Politburo is set to have Kang Sheng removed.
The goat-beard man sits in the meeting as if sitting on a carpet of needles.
It is at this moment that Kang Sheng