Bedford Square - Anne Perry [100]
He was looking down at the disordered papers on the desk as if he could not bear the intrusion of meeting anyone’s eyes. “I … I enjoy going there and being able to feel comfortable … at least I did. Now, God knows, I loathe it. I wouldn’t go at all if I were not involved in certain duties I would not betray.” His lips tightened. “The sort of place where you would wander in if you felt like it, or not visit for a year, and it would be just the same as when you were last there. Big, comfortable chairs. Always a fire in bad weather, warm, crackling. I like the sound of a fire. Sort of a live thing, like the sea around you. Like a ship’s crew, stewards know you. Don’t have to be told each time what you like. Can sit there for hours and read the papers if you feel like it, or find some decent sort of chap to talk to if you fancy a spot of company. I …” He looked away. “I care what they think of me.”
Pitt did not know what to say. Cornwallis was a lonely man, without the love or the warmth, the belonging or the responsibilities, of a wife and children such as Pitt had. Only servants waited for him in his rooms. He could come and go as he pleased. He was not needed or missed. His freedom had a high price. Now there was no one to talk to him, demand his attention or offer him comfort, take his mind from his own fears and loneliness, distract him from nightmares or give him companionship and the kind of love that does not depend upon circumstance.
Cornwallis started pushing around the papers on his desk as if he were looking for something, making what had been merely untidy into complete chaos.
“White has resigned,” he said, gazing at the shambles in front of him.
Pitt was startled. He had had no idea.
“From the judiciary? When?”
Cornwallis jerked his head up. “No! From the Jessop Club. Although …” His voice was strained. “I suppose he might resign from the bench as well. It would at least remove him from the power or the temptation to comply with this man’s wishes … if that is what they are.” He pushed his hand over his head again, as if he had hair to thrust back. “Although judging by his treatment of Stanley, he could be perfectly capable of then exposing White even more violently to warn the rest of us, and surely White will have thought of that?”
“I don’t know,” Pitt said honestly.
Cornwallis sighed. “No, neither do I. When I saw him at the club, just before he resigned, he looked appalling, like a man who has read his own death warrant. I sat in my chair like a fool, pretending to read some damned newspaper … you know I can’t look at the Times these days?” His fingers were fiddling with the letters, notes and lists in front of him, but idly, not as if he had the faintest interest in what they were.
“I looked at White and I knew what he was feeling. I could practically read his thoughts, they were so like my own. He was ill with anxiety, trying to suppress the fear in case anyone else guessed, attempting to appear natural, and all the time half looking over his shoulder, wondering who else knew, who thought he was behaving oddly, who suspected. That’s one of the worst things of all, Pitt.” He looked up, his face tense, the skin shining across his cheekbones. “The mind racing away with thoughts you hate and can’t stop. People speak to you, and you misinterpret every remark, wondering if they mean something more by it. You don’t dare meet a friend’s eyes in case you see knowledge there, loathing, or worse, that he should see the suspicion in yours.”
Suddenly he stood up and strode over to the window, his back half turned to Pitt. “I hate what I have allowed this to make me into, and even as it happens I don’t know how to stop it. Yesterday I met an old friend from the navy, quite by chance. I was crossing Piccadilly, and there he was. He looked delighted