Being Kendra_ Cribs, Cocktails, and Getting My Sexy Back - Kendra Wilkinson [29]
Hank Jr. liked her and that made me happy. She would come from ten P.M. to six A.M., so that meant I technically should have loved her too. But I felt a little threatened and jealous of all the things she could do that I hadn’t mastered yet.
I would still take care of baby Hank during the day, but I was mature and responsible enough to know that I wasn’t doing anyone any good trying to do this all on my own. So the nurse woke up with him during the night. I felt guilty, but sleep was what I needed more than anything in the world and staying up at all hours of the night for me was dangerous. Too much of anything is really dangerous, especially for me. Not only for me but also for the baby and my husband and our relationship. I was at the point where the yang was taking over. I needed more balance in my life. For me, sleeplessness turns into paranoia and I started to hallucinate and see traces in the light, walking around like a zombie. I never laughed and I never smiled. I was not Kendra Wilkinson.
I knew that I was at an all-time low, without love for everything in life, including myself. During the first couple of nights Genie was there, I became even more depressed. That’s when I finally found the time to look in the mirror and see what I had actually done to myself. The first two weeks were tiring but the third and fourth week were downhill even more. It was like torture, and the longer you are tortured the less likely it is that you’ll be able to withstand it. I thought about self-mutilation and was mentally attacking myself. I wanted to pull my hair out and I wanted to cut myself. I didn’t do it because I had been down that road before earlier in my life with drugs. I knew that the second I started to do that again I wouldn’t be able to stop and we’d all be in real bad shape, to the point where if I did do it I’d probably need to go away and get help for a while. It was purely out of experience and what I had learned in my past that I was able to keep my head above water in that department.
I hated life. I hated myself. And I hated Hank because he was getting more sleep than I was. I was so upset. And I still couldn’t sleep at night. I began to hallucinate and I saw myself as a pig when I looked in the mirror. Literally, I imagined myself looking like a hog. I would stand in front of the mirror (or sometimes just think of it in my head) and imagine I was a dirty hog with a snout, that I was unclean and fat and just gorging on food and scrounging around in filth.
I started just to be mad at anyone who got in my way; I was an assassin. Feed the baby, scream at people, change the baby’s diaper, be angry, put the baby to sleep, ignore others, wake the baby up, do laundry, lash out at someone—that was my life. I started saying angry, hurtful things that I’ve never said before to loved ones like Hank, like “I fucking hate you.” On numerous occasions I told my husband that I hated him, and I meant it. The lack of sleep physically started to show on me: My eyes were drooping and my skin was completely pale like a ghost.
The word “hate” was the word I was using more than anything else, and I was hours away from the boiling point where I’m not sure what would have happened. The pig was out of her pen and on the loose.
When the nanny came I had the time to sleep, but that sleep just let my paranoia get the best of me. I was still beating myself up for letting someone else take over the child care situation. Why couldn’t I do it on my own? My mind started playing tricks on me again. I was afraid of what Genie could be doing at three A.M. when I wasn’t around. She wasn’t even family. I felt like a failure for hiring this night nurse. I couldn’t let go. I was feeling selfish for taking off a few nights!
As soon as the sun came up I would fly downstairs and be like, “Okay, Genie, I can take it from here.” I knew that I had to prove to people that I could do it. I didn’t even know who I was talking about, but I wanted to prove to “people” that I could take care of this baby by myself. Who were these