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By Root 227 0

was the most delicious product I’d ever seen. In fact, it seemed to me to be the best Shake ’N’ Bake commercial ever made. I still can’t believe how good they made that chicken look. And they proved that it was easy! Shit, I had to get me some Shake ’N’ Bake right then and there. So, I went waddling off to the store. And this kind of thing happened almost daily. I would tune into commercials just to see what rang my bell, and that’s what I would go hunt down or make my husband go hunt down. I have to say, he was SO great when it came to this. If he had to drive forty minutes for a dozen Krispy Kremes at midnight, he would and did. (For the reason why, recall his brush with Psycho Chick.)

Succulent, juicy TV chicken aside, my cravings were also triggered by the mere mention of some kinds of food. For instance, if someone innocently mentioned to me how great the steak was at a new restaurant, I needed a reservation STAT! And here’s where celebrity comes in handy . . . guess what pregnant lady was sittin’ her fat ass there that night? Abuse of power, perhaps, but I just couldn’t help myself.

Not necessarily a doozy of a craving by content standards, my incredible need for homemade brownies must have set a volume record. Toward the last few months of pregnancy, my need for them was rapidly increasing. In the last month I made them every night and ate them ALL in one sitting . . . every night! No joke. No exaggeration.

There’s no doubt that eating food felt so great after having been sick at the sight of most foods earlier on. But to this day, I simply can’t believe the orgasmic effect you can get from surrendering to your cravings. Since you don’t really get a whole lot of action in the bedroom (see page 147 for more on that), I advise all pregnant women to surrender to these cravings and get off by indulging in your favorite foods. Remember, you’ve finally got one of the best excuses in the world to pig out. Do what I did and enjoy every stinkin’ moment of it. If you’re just dying for a sardine sandwich with whipped cream, go for it, sister; it’s soooo worth it!

Where in the Hell Can I Find a Muumuu?

(Nothing to Wear)

Clothes shopping when you’re feeling even a little bloated is tough on the self-esteem, if not on the wallet. Still, I’ve been pretty lucky, and with a stylist’s help (just one of those celeb perks!), I’ve never had too much trouble finding clothes that make me look good. That all changed when I first started to show. Actually, and you probably know how this goes, I was likely the only one who thought I was showing. I was just growing what I now refer to as “a protective fat layer” around my belly. To me it was obvious I was pregnant but to the rest of the world Jenny McCarthy was simply eating too many Krispy Kremes.

One day I looked in my closet to put something on to start my day. I threw on a pair of pants only to realize that I couldn’t quite button them. I got the zipper up but that damn button just wouldn’t close. I thought to myself, well, this totally sucks. So I took them off and tried on all of my other pants until I found a pair that were always a little big on me. Except this time they just fit. I put on a nice fitted top only to look in the mirror and see that “protective fat layer” around my belly. So I proceeded to try on every other top I had until I found the loosest fitting one. I ended up with a massive pile of clothes on my closet floor and an outdated baggy look for the day. Ugh.

Finding something to wear will only get worse before it gets better, so here’s my advice to you: Stretch this part out as long as you can and cram yourself into your regular loose-fitting clothes. You’re in that awful stage where you don’t yet look pregnant, just fat. No stylist in the world can really help you hide this. All of the pregnancy books will tell you to throw on one of your husband’s shirts. Not terrible advice, but at this “fat” stage, I don’t know about you, but I don’t look that cute in a flannel!

Don’t go out and buy maternity clothes yet. With the exception of some basic black stretch