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Then it happened! One of my friends heard my call. Behold the muumuu. She held up a giant, blue-flowered muumuu, and it had my name written all over it. I put it on and danced all around the house. My glory ended as soon as my husband saw me in it and begged me to take it off (not to get some action, believe me. Even the friend who bought it for me said it was just “wrong.” I say, “Bite me!”

If you get to that point where you just can’t take it, please go get one. MUUMUU’S really do rock!

Freddy Krueger Ain’t Got Nothing on Me!

(Dreams)

I’ve always been one to have wild dreams, but no one told me how bizarre they could be when you’re pregnant. Throughout my life I’ve always written down my dreams and looked their meaning up in my dream dictionary. Well, by golly, they don’t really have anything that falls under giving birth to a green slimy cocoon that wiggles and flies away. Desperate to find deeper meaning, I looked up green, but I’m pretty sure that “having great pleasure with simple things” doesn’t really apply. So far, this pregnancy had not been especially pleasant, nor had it been simple!

Wacked-out green dreams aside, I had one recurring dream while pregnant that I still get a kick out of. To this day, when I think back I smile. And dream dictionary definition or not, it’s clear to me that it was a dream about looking forward to motherhood. It’s going to sound weird at first, like all dreams do, so just hang in there with me. Here goes.

I would dream of lying in bed sleeping or resting. Feeling a bit lonely and sad, I would grab a medical tool (which resembled a razor blade and just happened to be nearby) and perform my own C-section. I would pull my baby out and play with him right there in the bed. We would talk and giggle and I would hug and squeeze him. As soon as I would start to feel like this couldn’t possibly be good for him, I would put him back in my belly and sew myself up. I had this dream and performed this delicate operation throughout my pregnancy. Sometimes my baby had no nose or ears and I would sort of freak out, but for the most part I would look forward to the dream. I felt like I was getting to know my son before he even came out into the world.

One time I dreamed of him as an older child . . . like seven years old. I dreamed he came running in the bedroom while I was sleeping and put his little head on the edge of my bed and nudged me. I remember looking at him and smiling, thinking how cute he was and how he looked nothing like me. He was an exact seven-year-old replica of my husband. This always made me wonder: If you dream of a specific face, is that actually what your child will look like? And then I wondered, if the answer is yes, then what about the dreams where I delivered a green slimy cocoon? Who knows? Maybe I am a psychic and was foreseeing all those diaper changes!

Since I’m sharing, let me tell you that the best pregnant dreams are your sex dreams. In mine, when I remembered the details, I was pregnant and gorgeous—all airbrushed like Demi Moore on the cover of Vanity Fair. But even when I didn’t remember the specifics, I’d know I’d had one because I’d wake up in the middle of an orgasm! How’s that for outstanding? Believe me, this does happen, and quite frankly I wish it happened more often. Here’s hoping you get to experience it!

In the meantime, keep a journal of your dreams. You’ll definitely get a kick out of them when you go back and read about them later on.

Is That an Apple on Your Rectum, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

(Hemorrhoids)

I’d seen the Preparation H commercials and I’d laughed my share of laughs at the actor’s discomfort, but now I realize that hemorrhoids are no laughing matter. These little devils can show up during pregnancy or, as with me, after delivery. When and if they rear their ugly heads in your rear, know that you’re not alone and that your doctor has seen them before. Yes, he has. Even ones as big as yours (we all think