Belly Laughs_ The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth - Jenny McCarthy [24]
The next morning we went straight to the chiropractor. I know, I know. You’d think I would have learned my lesson with seeing specialists, but this guy turned out to be a savior. He determined that my pain was due to bad posture. Once he said it, I understood immediately. To hide my pregnancy for so long I had been hunching over to hide my growing belly. Posture I could fix.
The next diagnosis was a surprise. I had popped out two ribs. TWO RIBS! Popped out?! I knew that my hips had to widen to make room for the baby; I didn’t know my ribs did, too. But okay, so as my ribs were widening, some were popping out. And popping out is painful. This made sense. And ever the optimist, I kept telling myself that because I was suffering so much in my pregnancy, my delivery was going to be a cinch. (No such luck . . . read on.)
So the doc popped my ribs back in. Sounds painful but it wasn’t too terribly bad. And once the ribs were back in, the back felt better. Unfortunately I had to continue to see the chiropractor every day that month because those damn ribs kept popping back out. Once, I even had to go to his house at 2 a.m. for a fix.
Of course, my husband started seeing the chiropractor because of our new mattress. The poor guy would moan all night. In a selfish way I kind of liked it. Why should I be the only one in pain all the time? Maybe husbands should have to gain all that weight, too. You know, sympathy weight.
My advice for back pain would be to get help. And I don’t mean help from a mattress salesperson. Ask your doc; that’s what he or she is there for. Also, pregnant massages are not only a nice treat, but they really get some of the kinks out. So treat yourself. A massage is a lot cheaper than a new mattress!
Headaches
(Headaches . . . Duh)
Not all headaches are created equal. I’ve had headaches before, but no one prepared me for what pregnancy could deliver. It was as though a jackhammering troll had moved into my head.
It all began around the tenth week of pregnancy. I was sitting on the couch watching television and kaboom! I clutched my head and screamed. My husband thought I was having a brain aneurysm. I thought I had about two minutes left to live. If I hadn’t been pregnant, I would have sliced my head off. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Get a grip on yourself . . . we get it.” But the pain, I tell you, was HORRIFIC! The only relief was a Tylenol and a heating pad for my neck. That took a whole 2 percent of the pain away. I was then left trying to figure out what to do with the other 98 percent. This went on for about two months. On someone’s advice, I started doubling up on my prenatal vitamins, and that helped until I got completely constipated again. These headaches are supposedly “normal” in pregnancy, so don’t freak out like I did and think you’re dying. Once again, our hormones are raging, causing the brain to throb. Just hang in there, partner; the best is yet to come!
That Ain’t My Ass!
(Cellulite Gain)
Before I became pregnant, I told myself that I was going to eat healthy and work out religiously, and that I would be a cute pregnant lady. I wanted to look like Madonna when she was pregnant. Wishful thinking. I did manage to work out: At its height, my workout regimen consisted of one hour of cardio every day and two days a week of weights. I hate to break it to you, but even all this did NOTHING to keep cellulite off my ass!
Let’s be honest. Most women already have some amount of cellulite. From years of yo-yoing weight, I have my fair share, too (airbrushing is a great invention!). But pregnant cellulite takes things to a whole new level. It’s ridiculous.
I think I first noticed my problem on my normal morning waddle to the toilet. On the way there I passed my bedroom mirror. Just like in the movies, I did a double take, and I waddled my ass backward to find myself in the mirror again. I could not believe