Belly Laughs_ The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth - Jenny McCarthy [27]
The Blue Twinkies
(Your Swollen Vagina)
Blue Twinkies does not refer to your vagina after delivery. That would be called Blown-Out Vagina. This section is about the evolution of your vagina in preparation for blowing it out. Though I really do find the vagina fascinating, I promise I’m not going to get all Vagina Monologues on you here. Those girls talk about the vagina like it’s got feelings and needs a wardrobe!
For years I’ve been getting my bikini area totally waxed. That includes any hair that might be lurking in the darkest regions. All things being equal, I have to say I’ve taken pretty good care of myself down there. Then one day I couldn’t see anything in that region anymore due to my growing belly. So I decided to take a break from waxing, a well-deserved break. I figured since I really wasn’t having sex with my husband, why worry about how pretty my hoo-hoo looks? So days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, and my crotch turned into the South American Jungle. It still didn’t bother me. After all, I couldn’t see it.
What DID bother me was when I went to wipe one day and noticed that things felt a bit puffy down there. Feeling curious I decided to take a peek. Considering I couldn’t see a damn thing without help, I pulled a mirror out from under the bathroom sink and took a look-see. Holy shit! If I had been standing, I would have staggered. What the hell was going on? My labia (those flappy things) looked like two blue Twinkies cuddling under really bad carpeting.
How could no one have warned me about this? I’ve come to find out that I wasn’t abnormal. Your hoo-hoo becomes engorged with blood when you’re pregnant, and that can sometimes cause swelling and a bluish or purplish coloration. Not everyone is lucky enough to go through this. But check yours out for yourself, and if you dare, ask around. I’ll bet a stack of cash that lots of women have looked and that “Blue Twinkies” best describes the sight. Whether anyone is willing to talk about it is another matter entirely.
Die, Model Bitch, Die!
(Hating Skinny People)
During your pregnancy you will begin to despise skinny people, especially hot skinny people or, more accurately, hot skinny celebrities showing off their hot bods on TV. Yes, even I was incredibly jealous of them as I sat—weighing in at a good 182—watching TV with my husband. When they would come on the screen, I would sneak a peek at him to monitor his reaction. Just as I thought: Drool leaked out from the corner of his mouth. Someone needs to tell those damn Victoria’s Secret models to try a little something called food. Meow! I’ll say it again, if men only knew how hard this was on us, they would bow to us for the entire nine months.
Here’s an incident (well, at least I made it an “incident”) of note. My husband and I were watching some quality TV: a show that had Playmates competing for some type of cash prize. Having absolutely no stomach for those tight, smooth bodies, I tried to switch the channel. Of course, I was stopped the moment my hand touched the remote. My husband was determined to watch. So I did what any red-blooded American girl would do: I made serious fun of all the girls. My husband behaved liked every red-blooded American man and stared at them like they were the first women he’d ever seen in his life.
Right before a commercial break, they previewed what was coming up next: While getting wet, the playmates removed their clothes, revealing skimpy swimsuits. I went mad. I told my husband I couldn’t take it. He said I was being silly, considering I had been a Playmate once myself. Well, if I had known what the sight of a Playmate did to women during pregnancy, I would have done us all a favor and been the fattest and hairiest Playmate of all time.
The show came back on, and there they were, all stripping down