Belly Laughs_ The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth - Jenny McCarthy [29]
In retrospect, of course, I highly recommend not moving giant pieces of furniture around. But take advantage of the less dangerous forms of your nesting instinct . . . you won’t be seeing an organized junk drawer again any time soon.
What the Fu*k Are These?
(Stretch Marks)
Though there are lots of things to worry about during pregnancy, I think that stretch marks are, for many women, the most dreaded. I mean, they’re permanent! They fade to your skin color, but they are still there. How terrifying is that?
To women who escape getting stretch marks, I offer you lukewarm congratulations. No, scratch that. I actually hate you.
Stretch marks look like a cat crawled up on your body and stuck its claws into your skin and slowly scraped down an inch or more leaving a reddish or purplish squiggly indented line. They can develop anywhere on your body just because you gain weight (pregnant or not), but most pregnant women watch them appear on their growing bellies.
I think I first saw them when I was watching those pregnancy shows on TV called Maternity Ward and Baby Story. These pregnant women would lift up their blouses for their ultrasound, and I would shriek! They’d have these horrible marks.
Terrified, I doused my body in oil every day. An old wives’ tale, I know, but I gave it a try all the same. My theory on the virtue of oiling yourself goes like this: If your mom had stretch marks in her pregnancy, then you have a good chance of getting them yourself, with or without oil. If she didn’t, your chances of avoiding them look pretty good. In other words, oil may only serve to make you feel more in control of the process.
Proof of its value or not, there are many women who swear by their oil. If you want to join them in lathering up, go ahead. At the very least, it’s good for moisturizing your skin. And it feels good. In fact, I would make my husband oil me up at night until I got so fat that I started to feel like a side of bacon preparing to be fried up. That vision took the fun out of it for me. And read on for more about pigs in the bedroom.
Now, perhaps you’re wondering if I ended up getting the dreaded marks. Yes, I did. I got them on my boobs and my ass, but not my belly. So I got half lucky. But I don’t look at my ass anymore. And I’m sure I won’t again until they come out with a magic cream or a new treatment. Plastic surgeons say they can reduce stretch marks now with a laser. Well, buddy, I want them GONE, not reduced, so work a little harder on a cure, will ya?
I Just Need to Lie Down for, Like, Five Minutes . . . Okay, Maybe Three Months
(Sleepiness)
Imagine staying up all night, then running a marathon, then doing three hundred loads of laundry and raking leaves off a football field all in one day. How tired would you be? That’s how tired I felt EVERY DAY in my first trimester. It’s like someone snuck in and stole all the juice out of my body. Our bodies give so much to the embryo I’m surprised we can even get off the couch. As you’ve read, I didn’t get off mine much. Literally, I could barely talk. My friends would call me in the afternoon and I would sound drunk because I was so tired. My goal every day was to at least try to make it through an entire hour of Oprah without falling asleep.
I worked throughout my pregnancy, but my line of work isn’t all day every day. I couldn’t imagine working a nine-to-five shift. To all those women out there who do, I worship you. And I hope someone offers you a rest on a couch or a nap every day. If you have to stand at your job, make sure you demand a chair. And this goes for early on when you aren’t showing, too. You might not look pregnant