Ben and Me_ From Temperance to Humility - Cameron Gunn [86]
I still, however, like golf.
TRANQUILLITY
{CHAPTER 12}
Chastity
Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to
dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or
another’s peace or reputation
IF YOU’RE EXPECTING SALACIOUS DETAILS ABOUT MY SEX LIFE IN THIS chapter, you will be disappointed. After nearly two decades of marriage, I’m not sure I could even provide such details. Even if I could, however, I would not.
Indeed, the week of Chastity presented a unique problem and, perhaps, an opportunity. As a husband of many years—a devoted and loyal husband—Franklin’s dictate to be chaste presented no serious difficulty for me. In fact, much like Moderation and Tranquillity, all I had to do was live my life exactly as I had been living it and Ben would be proud.
This, however, is not a book about doing nothing (notwithstanding my efforts at Tranquillity). This is a book about seeking virtue, about being better, about following in the footsteps of Ben Franklin. Franklin wrote about this virtue, and indeed all his virtues, in his old age. The course, however, if we accept Mr. Franklin at his word, was designed and used when he was a young man. And for a young man, Chastity might indeed have been a concern. Biographies are replete with suggestions, speculations, and innuendos about his dalliances. Certainly he was a man with an active sexual appetite. He acknowledges in some of his writings that he may have “consorted with low women.” His son, William, was born out of wedlock, and the maternity of the boy has never been confirmed—indeed, it remains one of the few great mysteries of Franklin’s life. In that respect, then, Franklin may have needed to work on the virtue of Chastity. I will not, for the sake of my mother, give any indication of whether or not this was ever an issue for me. I can say that since my marriage, it has not been.
What, then, does a loyal husband do—a husband seeking to better himself—when he is directed to work on the virtue of Chastity?
The answer might lie in my preparations for this course. In my precourse interviews I got, for the most part, answers that I had expected. There were no great surprises in people’s perceptions of me. I was a bit taken aback by Michelle’s description of me as a sloth, but in truth, I wouldn’t have described myself as a cheetah (I still like stallion, but really, I’m just kidding myself ).
The one answer I was truly not expecting, however, came from Michelle. She told me that I was a wonderful father but not such a great husband. How’s that for honesty—brutal honesty.
Happily, she did qualify the answer. It was not that I was a bad husband but that I put my focus and my energies on the family unit as a whole. I was, and am, concerned with the well-being and happiness of my children. And, she acknowledged, I am good at it. What I am not so good at, she claimed, was our relationship. I was not dedicating the same sort of energy, interest, and focus to our relationship as a couple. She pleaded guilty to her own responsibility in that regard, but that didn’t soften the blow. She was telling me, quite simply, that I was ignoring our marriage.
Now that could’ve been a showstopper right there. A smarter man might have said, “Forget this book, I have more important work to do.” By now you are undoubtedly aware that I am not a “smarter” man. I forged on with this project, but at least I never forgot her response.
Where had I gone wrong? You’ll remember my vision of myself as a romantic. I remember thinking as a teenager, after watching some television show or movie about a loveless marriage, that I would never find myself in such a situation. I made sure that dates, especially first dates, were memorable—a late-night picnic on an island in the middle